Comfortable and Convenient

Every time I meet someone with whom an easy, comfortable relationship develops, I immerse myself in it and it becomes exclusive to the rest of the world. Most of the time, I even know that it’s not going to go any further than friendship. It’s comfortable, convenient companionship. Rather than see it for what it is, enjoy it for what it is and appreciate it for what it is, I often keep hoping that it will change into something more. Sometimes, even after I’ve seen that the friendship can cause more harm than good, I let it ride. That’s just dangerous.

If I want something more, why am I so paralyzed to put myself out there and FIND something more? The thought of being with someone forever and raising a family seems so wonderful but the thought of having to meet someone and start from square one seems like too much work, too slow, too daunting. Most of the time, comfortable and convenient seems much more rewarding. But it’s not quite enough.

Dating involves rejection from square one. Just having an online profile causes rejection when your mailbox is empty and your profile is never visited. Comfortable friendships are safer. I’m not being rejected. Sometimes I’m probably just being used, but that’s better than being rejected. The hard part is when that comfortable relationship ends because he’s found someone that he DOES desire. That is rejection, pure and simple pain.

Lately, when I hear a man say something complimentary about a woman (she is STUNNING, she’s so amazing, she deserves to have someone who adores her) it wounds me to the core because what I hear is “You’ll never have someone say that to you. You’re not beautiful. You don’t deserve adoration. You’re not desirable and you’ll always be alone. THIS IS ALL THERE IS. DEAL WITH IT!”

I’m in the midst of a battle again and the enemy is hard at work. He is damaging some really good relationships because of my own skeletons and struggles. Rather than being excited to be working for HIS Glory, I’m having a hard time seeing how ANYTHING is worth doing since it all passes away. What I’m hearing is “If this is all there is, then why bother.”

Pray that He reveals my role in His plan and that He heals my heart to be able to hear Him louder than the enemy. And pray that He protects those around me from my destructive behavior in the meantime.