That explains EVERYTHING!

We got news the other day that the husband of our school's founder passed away. Yesterday, the paper had a long, detailed obituary and highlighted the fact that he was a nudist. NOW I understand why watching pornography at school isn't a problem. It's keeping with tradition!

My bio

This is the bio that D made for me (well, I wrote it; he put in the pretty pictures). We used it to introduce me when I taught theory and sight-singing to some of his church musicians last week. I put it up in my classroom, but where the kids can't really see it.

The Baconator

Remember how I love bacon, and remember how D made me a sign that says “bacon” when he picked Tia and I up at the airport in Vegas for Thanksgiving and remember how I put that sign up in my office and how every so often, someone will come into my office and ask me “Why do you have a sign that says ‘bacon’ and I have to explain the whole silly story again, and while it makes ME giggle tremendously, nobody else seems to get it? Well, I now have a 6th grade student that gets it. One of the assignments I gave to the kids last week was to send me an e-mail from our webpage link so that I got check all of the e-mail links. I told them to put their name in the subject line, since many of them have e-mails that give NO clue as to the sender. I said they could put whatever they wanted in the text of the e-mail, like “You’re the best teacher ever!” or “I hope you’re having a great day.” Or “Thank you for not beating me up today.” (Remember – I’m also the dean!) Well, one of my new little trumpet players sent me her e-mail. When I opened it, it said “bacon.”

This COULD be a very interesting year!

Just the facts, ma’am

Fact: I’ve put in TONS of extra hours at school over the past 18 years, mostly because it was needed to get the job done well.
Fact: Nobody seems to notice or care if I do.
Fact: I’ve never watched porn on my computer at school.
Fact: I’ve never had a letter of commendation read at a faculty meeting for all the extra things I do to help band students and their directors around the district, state and country.
Fact: My day now begins ends promptly at my contracted times: 7:30 AM - 3:45 PM unless I’m getting paid extra to stay later.

Will run for love

Got this from La Fleur today….cracked me UP. If you find me the guy, darlin’, I will run him to Vegas and get hitched WITH Elvis officiating!

(PS - click on the picture to make it bigger so you can read it.)

Brownie conspiracy

I talked to Precious tonight. Seems while I was helping D with his church worship arts retreat weekend in Orlando this weekend, she was attending her church retreat in St. Louis.
She was talking about the fact that they had lots of yummy treats to eat but that there was a batch of brownies that were just AWFUL. I started laughing because D and I had the same experience. So not only was it National “Church Retreat” weekend, it was “bad church brownies at the retreat” weekend. Thankfully, it only happens once a year.

Let the countdown begin

New Year’s Eve is 125 days away!
New Year’s Eve is 125 days away!
New Year’s Eve is 125 days away!
New Year’s Eve is 125 days away!
New Year’s Eve is 125 days away!
New Year’s Eve is 125 days away!
New Year’s Eve is 125 days away!

Details to follow! Start booking your flights, and make your reservations for “The Cabana” now! Space is limited!

Alternate Fairy-Tale Endings

Alternate Fairy-Tale Endings to Take the Place of "And they lived happily ever after."

BY SABRINA ABBOTT

- - - -

And they barely tolerated each other.

And they stayed together because of the kids.

And their contempt for one another occasionally spilled over at family gatherings, prompting moments of uncomfortable silence.

And they expressed their unhappiness through passive-aggressive toilet-seat positioning.

Do YOU have talent?

Dear Precious,

D and I are watching "America's Got Talent" (which it really doesn't, but the show sells commercials, therefore it exists) and we're watching a ventriloquist's dummy singing a duet with Kermit the Frog (because the ventriloquist isn't singing himself - I'm watching his lips and they aren't moving!).

I told him that ventriloquists scare me; he told me you are a ventriloquist, which I think I remember, but I think I forgot. I've decided that New Year's may have to be "Bing's friends have talent by the pool." What do you think?

Maybe it's the merlot talking, but I think this e-mail would make a great post.

You’ll never make the team

Heard in class today:
Student 1: I’m trying out for the swim team.
Teacher: Don’t drown; you’ll never make the team if you drown.
Student 2: No, but the school will still make your parents pay for your books.

Ummmm….ok, it was REALLY funny at the time. Trust me.

Dean meetings that leave you spinning

School started this week. We had a meeting with the grade level deans. Remember, I am in charge of disciplining the 7th graders when they misbehave. Takes one to know one, I guess.
Anyway, we met in the principal’s office and when the assistant principal came in, there were no conference chairs left, so he went to find one. The 6th grade dean told the principal “He could use your desk chair” to which I responded “Why should HE get a chair that spins when the rest of us are forced to sit still?” (Again with the lack of filter for my thoughts!) My principal chuckled and said “Somehow, that’s a comment only YOU would make.

I’m not sure what her point was…..

Homemade cards and late birthdays

I finally got the card that my techno-peasant mom made me for my birthday (which was July 1). Remember when she sent it, it got a little lost because she put the wrong address on it. Anyway, she was SO proud of it. Seems as her friend gave her a program so she could make these really fancy cards on the computer, so she made one for me. The only problem is that the only designs on it are for Christmas cards. She made one for my birthday with snowmen and candy canes anyway. Sounds like something I might…….

OH MY GOSH! I’M TURNING INTO MY MOTHER!

Defying the laws…

I made REALLY good time on my last drive back from visiting D in Orlando, after our trip to San Francisco. After I called and left him a message saying I made it safely (and quickly), here was his voicemail reply:

D: “ OK, making really good time could be on something like if you take a test and you got done really quickly. Some things you can’t rush. It’s just the nature of the law of physics. Like cooking something at…it has a certain amount of time it takes - at 350, it takes 20 minutes or things like that. Driving THAT far – the speed limit and the law of physics says that it will take 3 1/2 to 4 hours. Now THAT part depends on traffic. But to get there in less than THREE hours - now, that means that you did not obey the traffic laws. That’s what THAT means because there’s no way to physically do that unless you transported yourself there and I don’t think that you can do that. So obviously you were eating sugar. OBVIOUSLY! You were eating sugar and driving. I know that your vision probably gets blurred so you probably didn’t see the speed limit signs or you didn’t notice how fast you were going to realize you were being a bit excessive.
OK, so.. glad you made it home safely. Talk to you soon. I’m just getting home from the gym. I figured you would be home about now. I didn’t know you have been there AN HOUR AGO!

His messages always make me laugh, and I end up saving them for months. Then I can replay them when I need a giggle.

If I die….

Our school provides a life insurance policy at no cost to all teachers. The benefit (if you die) is one year’s salary OR $50,000, whichever is less. That is to help your family recover from your death, make funeral arrangements and supplement the family income. I get that. I think that’s a really good thing.
The school is also offering SUPPLEMENTAL life insurance so that death benefit (I know it sounds weird, but isn’t that really what it is?) can go up to as much as $100K. The cost is really minimal and if you sign on now, there is no physical, etc. I get that, too, and I think that’s also a really good benefit IF YOU NEED IT.
One of the teachers asked me if I was going to take advantage of it. My response was (and I didn’t mean to sound sarcastic or morbid; it was just my observation) “I don’t have a family to worry about leaving any money TO. Why do I need it?” It took him back a little, but I asked again (and my principal was there, too) “Correct me if I’m wrong, but life insurance is to help your family recover when you die? Isn’t that the purpose?”

Am I wrong?

Working with a difficult boss

Roger: I was reading through my employee benefits, and it says I’m entitled to meet with a government counselor. I’d like to meet with a counselor.
Sergeant: You’re looking at him.
Roger: What do you mean?
Sergeant: I’m the assigned counselor for District 240. I figure, hey, why not take the bump on the paycheck? Besides, I’m redoing my kitchen. Don’t worry. I took the quiz.
I’m certified.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sergeant: Roger, this happens to be one of the most beautiful letters I have ever read. But I’m not that way.
Roger: I didn’t write the letter.
Sergeant: Please! You signed it, it has your return address on it, and you sealed it with a unicorn.
Roger: Can’t you see? I’m being set up.
Sergeant: That would be quite an elaborate setup, don’t you think?
Roger: No, not really. All you need is a stamp and a unicorn sticker.

From "School for Scoundrels" starring Billy Bob Thornton and John Heder. The cover says it's "Bad Santa meets Napoleon Dynamite." It is.

Distinguished Faculty

Our opening of school meetings today were punctuated by two rousing instances of accolades and commendations for one of our most valued and respected teachers. Yes, indeed - the one, the only.....Mr. McFeely!

Check please! I think I'm going to hurl!

Computer Haikus

We had a faculty training for our new electronic gradebook program today. As usually, my ADD kicked in and I got restless and bored. I believe one of the text messages I sent to Tia was "Guess what? My chair spins!"

ANYWAY - here are some interesting computer haikus that were posted in the computer lab. I hope you enjoy them.

Please enjoy Haiku
error messages displayed
laughing may ensue
-----------------------------
your file was so big.
It might be very useful
But now it is gone
-----------------------------
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Sceen. Mind. Both are blank.
-----------------------------
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death
No one hears your screams.
-----------------------------
Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.
-----------------------------
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

Hail to the Pizza

"Pizza's my buffalo. You see, the Sioux had the buffalo. I've got pizza. It provides for all needs. I acknowledge its gifts. Keeping it simple in a complex world."

Matt in the movie "Pizza" - a new "must see."

Family Vacations

Mommie Dearest called last week to tell me that the whole family is going on a cruise for Spring Break. Well, except my older brother because he doesn't exist anymore. Oh, AND my younger brother, because "we're" not speaking to him. Oh, and me, because my spring break is 2 weeks AFTER my niece's.

Bon Voyage!

Back in Training

So I started running again. I'm doing the Miami ING Half Marathon again in January. This time my goal is to finish in 2 1/2 hours, lose 20 pounds AND be a complete and total hottie by the Miami AquaCinema Karoake Pool Party New Year's Eve Extravaganza. Precious said she's join me in the journey, so make that Hottie Squared. Then we are going to order up 2 hotties of our own to start 2008. Does that sound like a plan? I think so!

On Lonliness

"The whole conviction of my life now rests on the belief that lonliness, far from being a rare and curious phenomenom, is the central and inevitable fact of human existence."

-Thomas Wolfe, "God's Lonely Man"

-----------------------
I saw this quote while watching a documentary on the making of "Taxi Driver." I think there may be a little Travis Bickle in all of us.

The Birthday fun continues...

Remember THIS? Well, the fun continues. Mommie Dearest called me a few weeks ago to ask if I had received the HANDMADE birthday card she sent me in the mail. I told her no and she got REALLY upset; she was so excited for me to see it. She said she was going to go to the post office to see if they could track it, not understanding that if you stick a stamp on it and let it go, it enters the USPS abyss and if it disappears, you're just left wondering.

She called yesterday to say that it was returned to her as undeliverable. Seems she got my address wrong.

GOD, she kills me!

Job Assignment Procedure

How to Properly Place NEW EMPLOYEES:
1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.
4. Then analyze the situation:

a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.
b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.
c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.
d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.
e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.
f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology
h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.
i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.
j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Marketing.
k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.
l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.
m. Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Congress

Also heard on a plane....

Setting; On a 3 hour plane ride, right after I ingested large amounts of sugar.

D: (to the flight attendant passing by) Excuse me. I hate her. (pointing at me)

I sense a movie script formulating.

Heard on a Plane

Me: OW!
D: What did you do?
Me: I scratched myself in the eye.
D: How did you do that?
Me: Like this: (scratched myself in the eye AGAIN!)
D: You see, THAT'S what scares me about you!

Sugar Monkey Takes SF

Just returned from my visit to San Francisco. Sorry I didn't post while I was gone, but we just had SO much fun and laughed hard the whole time. I'll try to translate some of the most poignant moments here later, but it may not work. You just had to be there.

The biggest "take-away" from the trip is that D was fully exposed to my sugar intake habit. My new name is "Sugar Monkey." That pretty much says it all.

The Hormone Guide

Women will understand this! Men should memorize it!

Every woman knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or significant other!

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Wow, you sure look good in brown!
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine.

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's my paycheck.
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine.

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine.

The Un-Fairy Tale

Once upon a time
in a land far away,
a beautiful, independent,
self-assured princess
happened upon a frog as she sat
contemplating ecological issues
on the shores of an unpolluted pond
in a verdant meadow near her castle.
~~~~~~~~
The frog hopped into the princess' lap
and said: " Elegant Lady,
I was once a handsome prince,
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
~~~~~~~~
One kiss from you, however,
and I will turn back
into the dapper, young prince that I am
and then, my sweet, we can marry
and set up housekeeping in your castle ,
with my mother,
where you can prepare my meals,
clean my clothes, be ar my children,
and forever feel
grateful and happy doing so. "
~~~~~~~~
That night,
as the princess dined sumptuously
on lightly sauteed frog legs
seasoned in a white wine
and onion cream sauce,
she chuckled and thought to herself:
I don't freakin' think so!!