Dearest tenant,
Just wanted to let you know that I wish you would have told me that the toilet in the back apartment was running so that I could have fixed it. I just got my quarterly water bill. It is usually around $100. This quarter was $738, which I now have to pay. I'm really pretty angry, because the problem could have been solved with a $3 flapper, had you simply let me know. I'm not really sure why you are so pissed off at me and the world that you had to leave without so much as a phone call, e-mail or note. You didn't even bother to take the Christmas gifts and cards I left for you on the kitchen counter before I left on vacation.
I hope that you can remember that 16 months ago, you were homeless and unemployed. Because I gave you a place to live RENT FREE for 6 months, you were able to get yourself back on your feet. I even took you on a trip to Chicago for Christmas last year because I thought you needed a little vacation.
Last week I sent you a note to ask you where I should send your W-2 from Ferrey's. You didn't even bother to respond. If you need it, call them. I'm throwing it away.
You are in a much better position now than you were 16 months ago, but I'm feeling pretty used, abused and confused. You really make me question whether I'm too generous or just an idiot. I will tell you that I will think twice before I help another human being again. You taught me that.
Best of luck to you. I hope you find whatever you're looking for.
3 years ago
3 comments:
I'm sorry that you have a $738 water bill. Your toilet was in the same condition when I left it as it was when I moved in. The water would indeed run sometimes, ever so slightly, until wiggling the handle to make it stop, but it was like that before I moved in. In the 15 months I lived there, I never heard a word from you about crazy water bills before now so I am at a loss.
I am equally sorry that you chose to address by posting it on your blog the same time you sent it to me. Nice. Why handle something like an adult, directly, when you can be accusatory, bitchy, and go the junior high route. You sent a note on the 18th followed by a "nasty note" four days later. I don't do telepathy and four days is hardly enough time to justify your attitude. I checked my email on the 16th and then again on the 30th. I read both of your notes the same day.
The whole tone of your note is nauseating - as if, somehow, you've been victimized.
Let's take a closer look... how has John "used and abused" Cathi?
I have never...
* Taken more than $20,000 of your money without any effort to pay you back, like others have
* Fucked you, ignored you, and then taught Sunday school, like others have
* Made plans with you when I was in town and then completely blown you off, like others have
* Pretended to have anything other than a Platonic relationship with you
While I have...
* Helped put up and take down every single hurricane shutter on your house, several times, sometimes alone
* Mowed your lawn
* Left the room I rented spotless and immediately available to rent again
* Tried to keep my utility use to a minimum
* Fed and walked your dogs when you were gone - even washing out their bowls between uses #
* Regularly given your dogs their medicine when you were gone #
# Note
It's true that Mingus died under my watch, and for that I'm truly sorry. However, whatever guilt is in my heart is lessened by the fact that this 15 year-old dog was blind, deaf, senile, dirty, stinky, had difficulty eating, urinating and shitting, and was so arthritic that it couldn't walk stairs. The dog would stand in the corner for five minutes because it couldn't figure its way out and was the punch line for half of your jokes. You told me yourself that the vet suggested putting him down. I could make a strong case that keeping Mingus in the state he was in was cruel on your part. His passing, while regrettable, was hardly shocking and ended his suffering.
"You taught me to think twice before helping another human being".
Oh, please!!! Cut the Mother Theresa act sister, because it's bullshit. Let's get everything on the table. From the first day I moved in, you had an agenda. You were lonely and you used the fact that I wasn't immediately paying rent as a means to manipulate. EVERY NIGHT you would knock on my door and want to talk - for HOURS. Since I didn't have a regular, non-temp job and needed a place to stay, I felt obligated to listen as you yammered endlessly. You would always steer the conversation to dating - never directly asking if I was interested. You would say things like "I can never read the signals if a guy is interested" to which I would reply "if a guy is interested you'll know, if he doesn't have the balls to make the first move, you wouldn't want to date him anyway." You would ignore what I said, repeat your mantra of man-cluelessness, and then choose to be oblivious during the agonizing, uncomfortable, and extended silence that inevitably followed. You chose not to take the hint.
Don't pretend otherwise. I went to the Miami Book Fair with George Gaskin and he asked if I was interested in you. I told him no. The next day you were sitting by the pool, pouting and angry. I asked if you were OK but you were in your dark place and refused to say a single word. Later, at your next-door neighbor's party, Alex the hairdresser (who was drunk and didn't realize how loud he was talking) said to your neighbor "We don't like him because he pretended to like Cathi". You created an irrational, fantasy relationship that didn't exist, told other people about it, and were embarrassed when reality set in. You then got angry, decided you were being taken advantage of and talked shit about me to anyone within earshot.
I was a TENANT - not your buddy, not your boyfriend, a TENANT. I wanted to save money, be cordial, and then get the hell out of there. You knew there was tension because in the six months before I left you had your neighbor take over feeding Peanut instead of me when you were gone. That's obviously a statement that you didn't want me in your house. How nutty are you to then be angry with me for not taking some Christmas gift you bought me that I didn't know about? You didn't leave it in my room and you never mentioned it. How the hell would I know about it? I never set foot in your house the last 6 months I was there except briefly to cook for a Bible study group that ended in October.
I've thanked you for taking me to Chicago, many times. But honestly Cathi, isn't it a little odd to fly someone you've known for 2 months thousands of miles to meet your family and friends? And why demand thanks for something I've already thanked you for? When am I free from the burden of thanking you? Three... five... ten years? Should I wear a "Thank You Cathi-Chicago 2005" button every day to be safe? Do all of your gifts have strings attached? Of course they do, because they feed your dual needs.
1) You've got to be The Giver. You are manipulative in your giving. You offer things to people and then, predictably, get angry with them later on because they haven't jumped through the many hoops, known only to you, to be deserving of your gifts. Or you set inappropriate boundaries and get angry with people who follow the boundaries you just set. Just like the meals you didn't feel were appreciated by the church programming staff, just like the Chicago trip, just like talking with Scott after his divorce, and on, and on, and on... You like to give, give give... but all your gifts are tainted because they aren't given freely. You are keeping score. It's the Poor Little Cathi Show and you're always casting for the starring role of the Lead Taker. You don't want the role? Too bad, Cathi needs drama and you're going to be cast anyway. You want to feel taken advantage of because it reinforces you self image as the giver with everyone else taking indifferently.
2) You've got to feel superior. Keeping score is only useful if you're trying to find a winner and loser. That is the bigger need that drives you - your need to feel superior. You may not be the most beautiful, or the most talented, but by god you're going to be better than all those other people because you're going to be a "better person" than they are - and you have the mental scorecard to prove it. Being spiritually competitive defeats the purpose of your gift giving and is tiring to others. They learn it is not wise to accept a gift from you because you'll remind the recipient (or more likely someone that knows them) how unappreciative they were months, if not years, later. They also tire of hearing examples of how saintly you are because they know better.
One experience exemplified this: Your family was in town and, as usual, they weren't making much of an effort to connect with you. You were understandably upset because the day before you drove 90 minutes in order to see them but Christ's kid was sick and instead of putting her to bed and coming in to catch up with you, like normal people would do, she stayed in her daughter's room with her boyfriend, using her sickness as an excuse to avoid you. Your mom must cater to the newest Little Princess so she was in there as well. All conversation focused on the Little Princess and her mother. You were understandably upset and ended up going into the adjoining room to watch T.V.. You left upset and the experience rubbed salt in old wounds. The next day you were tearing at old scabs, complaining to me about what happened and how it was going to happen all over again when you went back to visit them later that night because the girl was still sick. "OK," I said "then don't go back". You made excuse after excuse why you should go back to which I simply asked "Yeah, but why?" Excuse after excuse until you finally screamed "BECAUSE I'M BETTER THAN THEM!!!!" You were willing to waste your time and be made their emotional slave rather than give up you obsessive need to feel superior.
So there it is.
You want to air dirty laundry? How about that? You feel perfectly fine airing mine - how about yours? Will you publicly post this on your blog so that I can defend myself or do you leave it as a response that no one will read or (more than likely) delete it altogether? We both know the answer to that because only a coward publicly posts like you did without giving the chance to respond.
If, miraculously, this ever does get read, expect that some people will tell you not to pay attention to it. Know this: It is a reflexive response because they value something else over the truth. True friends call each other out on their shit and get over it. If you have no friends that have ever shared things like this with you by now... well... then maybe these things are preventing you from developing better friendships. Listen for the grain(s) of truth in this instead of demonizing its author.
Your claim that I'm "mad at the world" is telling. It tells me that you have no idea what is going on inside me because your accusation is so ridiculously broad. Perhaps it's because you spent too much time talking instead of listening. In truth I am not angry but very, very sad. It would have been nice to have a friend who listened.
One last thing...
You know that the fact I was homeless was the most profoundly humiliating time of my life and something I've told NO ONE about except my pastors and you.
You know that, yet you post it up for all to read. Sara, Vicki, Rob & Martha all know that your thinly veiled dig refers to me. I told you about the stories of my homelessness with your promise that it not be mentioned to anyone, ever. Yeah, right. What a graceless, classless, shitty thing to do.
I hope you get the professional counseling you so desperately need.
John Lookabaugh
John,
This is a disturbing affair, and I have to write to clarify something in your response, since my name--my full name, no doubt--was used without permission in your post. If I recall correctly, at the Book Fair, we talked about many things and had fun during the day. If I asked you whether you like Cathi, it must have been a passing question, for we did not have a conversation on that topic. You then say that Cathi was upset the next day and wouldn't talk to you (followed by a comment that Alex supposedly said later).
Are you implying that Cathi said something to me about liking you? And that I then told her you said you didn't like her after the Book Fair? That is profoundly wrong. I do not engage in that gossip, frankly, and your implication is based on a false assumption. It is unfortunate that my name was used in your reply, for this is something between you and Cathi, period. Any assumptions about people should have been discussed with them before making accusations...or implying them. (Perhaps this is why you did not return my calls to you...I don't want to assume.)
I just want to make a few comments as far as I am near to this situation. Your response was quite disturbing, for it is unnecessarily mean and personally insulting. I am very surprised that you would write something like that. I remember your being in great need and expressing that in our Wednesday night group. We were all thinking of what we could do to help, especially after we were told that we should look around to for a place for you to live...(we were told that your consent was granted to share this information with us). I know that several of us--myself included--treated you to meals, gave you rides, and called to check up on you because you were down during this time.
Is it possible that offering you a place to stay to help you get on your feet was one of the many ways you were shown love and support? You said you were forced into these long conversations from the beginning of your stay and you were just being polite because you needed a place to stay. Are you being manipulative there? Apparently, you heard some personal things, and you allowed that other person to feel comfortable enough to share those personal things without saying, "Stop! I'm only a TENANT!" You are an adult, too, John. If boundaries were inappropriately set by others, you should have said something, otherwise, you willingly accepted an inappropriate boundary, making you part of the problem if that were the case. (The fact that you make the charge here that there were inappropriate boundaries set, and that you were aware of it at the time--but was just being polite--is disturbing, and definitively manipulative, is it not?)
Were you forced to ACCEPT the trip to Chicago? Why did you not say, "Stop! I'm only a TENANT!" Were the meals, rides, phone calls, etc. that EVERYONE offered manipulation? Or were you just being polite by accepting them also?
Honestly, you did not seem as though you were under any duress whenver I saw you engage in conversation and in accepting the goodwill from everyone in the group. After hearing about your hardship, we were so concerned--many of us brought to tears when you shared about how tough things were going--that everyone wanted to help you get through the tough times.
The fact that your response was just so mean-spirited is really pitiable. I'd like to "call you out" on something as a "true friend would." There is a debilitating and unhealthy pattern I see at work here. You told me about an annoying instance when substituting in the classroom, and you refused to show up there again! Something happened, apparently, at "Experiencing God" at my church, and you just stopped going, refusing to return the calls from someone in the group (He would always ask me how you were doing when he saw me. By the way, you joked about something deeply personal that guy shared with you when he thought he was ministering encouragement to you. That was very inappropriate and I should have called you on it that day.) You mentioned other times when you have been so "offended" that you refused to dignify others by showing up at whatever job or group again. Has this happened before? Does this happen often? Do you often make assumptions about offenses committed by others? Do you then refuse to show up again, refuse to return phone calls, or assassinate others' characters based on the assumptions you hold? At how many jobs did this happen? With how many people did this occur? Has this happened in the other places where you lived? These are things you should consider, because they have a way of following you wherever you run to next.
George
John,
I was surprised, sad and disappointed to see the way that you reacted. What Cathi said is her choice. If it was incorrect, unfair or hurtful - then you had a choice to take the high road and say that. Instead, you choose the low road. You hurled insults, personal information and lies as if your actions had no consequences and as if the world was deserving of your anger.
For the record, since you used my name - you were incorrect in this statement:
"You know that, yet you post it up for all to read. Sara, Vicki, Rob & Martha all know that your thinly veiled dig refers to me. I told you about the stories of my homelessness with your promise that it not be mentioned to anyone, ever."
You John, You - not Cathi - but YOU shared that info with me. You also gave permission to our small group to know about your situation. Matt and I helped you and I'm sure others did. Cathi did NOT reveal anything in this post.
John, for better or worse, you had made friends here. Now, you have left some very hurt people.
-Sara
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