Rules For The Blues

After reading Rule #15, I must hereafter be addressed as ADHD Guava Fillmore

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Rules For The Blues

1) Most blues begin "woke up this mornin'."
2) You can't use "Got a good woman" to start a blues unless you insert something nasty in the next line.
· Got a good woman
· with the meanest dog in town
3) Blues are simple. After you have that first line, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of.
· Got a good woman
· with the meanest dog in town
· Got a good woman
· with the meanest dog in town
· He got teeth like Maggie Thatcher
· and he weighs 'bout 500 pounds.
4) The blues are NOT about limitless choice.
5) Appropriate blues transportation includes Chevies, Cadillacs, Greyhound buses and southbound trains.
6) Walkin' is a major part of the blues lifestyle as is fixin' to die.
7) You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression. Chicago, Saint Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues.
8) The following colors do not belong in the blues:
· Violet
· Beige
· Mauve
9) You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong.
10) Good locations for the blues:
· The highway
· The jailhouse
· The empty bed
10a) Bad locations for the blues:
· The Gap
· Gallery openings
· Weekends at the beach
11) No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit unless you are an old black man.
12) You have a right to sing the blues if:
· Your first name is a southern state (Georgia)
· You're blind
· You shot a man in Memphis
· You can't be satisfied
12a) You DON'T have a right to sing the blues if:
· You were once blind but now can see
· You're deaf
· You have a trust fund
13) If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues. Other blues beverages are:
· Wine
· Irish whiskey
· Muddy water
13a) Blues beverages are NOT:
· Any mixed drink
· Any wine kosher for Passover
· Yoo Hoo
14) Appropriate blues deaths include:
· Cheap motels
· Shotgun shacks
· Stabbed in the back
· Electric chair
· Substance abuse
14a) Death during liposuction treatments is NOT an acceptable blues death.
15) Creating a blues name:
· Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic)
· First name or name of fruit (Willie, Bessie, Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, Melon)
· Last name of a U S President
Example - Cripple Lemon Clinton
15a) People with names like Sequoia or Sierra will not be permitted to sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
16) Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means you're old enough to get the electric chair for shooting a man in Memphis.