Weeping and Gnashing from the podium

Our community band had a concert last night. It's an 85 piece band with members ranging from college-aged to our Grand Dame Adah, our 95 year old horn player. We have some GREAT musicians and some who MAY have been great back in the day. Still, we play some great literature and have an active concert schedule. We have 3-4 guest conductors each year and at least one soloist. Colonel Gabriel even comes down every year. All in all, it is a respectable group.

We had a guest conductor for this concert whom I still can't decide if I liked or not. His musicianship was good, his stick technique was fine, he was an authority on the style and pieces that he conducted. His sarcasm was just a little TOO passive aggressive for me and some of his comments were just plain mean.

Granted, some of the things that he commented on NEEDED to be addressed, like talking during the rehearsal or not marking parts for repeated mistakes or special instructions. The group is notorious for not paying attention and they drive ME crazy at times. I just wonder if a guest conductor should address those issues in such a biting fashion. He even made a comment to ME about not being prepared and why did this group beg to have the music sent so early if we weren't going to practice it? (I was sight-reading the bell part on a ragtime lick at the time; not my strongest instrument but then again, they NEVER let me play horn!) I know that it instantly made me raise my eyebrows and my gut said "unsafe person - be careful."

I saw other members of the band trying to play up to him to make sure they were on his good side. I couldn't be bothered. I practiced the lick a bit to "show him" and then ultimately knew that any lashing I might get in the next rehearsal for even a single missed note was not worth any stress and aggravation. I passed the part on to someone else (who is ACTUALLY a percussionist) and said "Have fun!" I just made sure all my other parts were ready.

At the concert, I noticed that every time there was even the tiniest flaw, he would wince, frown, scowl, shake his head or otherwise react with negative body language. Conversely, I didn't see as much positive reinforcement for the things played well. Then I noticed that the mental focus of the group deteriorated a bit more with each "negative" feedback. There was even one point where the opening of a piece fell apart; he stopped and quickly said "Start again" and the re-opening still didn't come together. He then made light of it with the audience and tried a third time.

I was reminded of two Dr. Tim quotes in this whole experience:
1. People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care.
He didn't take much interest in some of the personalities of the group. He even went overtime at Sunday's rehearsal even though knew there was a celebration planned for Adah's 95th birthday right after rehearsal. (She let him know he was out of time. Loudly.)
2. Fear will get a team to the finish line faster than encouragement. In fact, people will run OVER each other to beat the others to the end if they are afraid of the team leader. But once you finish the race, nobody wants to be on that team any more. Encouragement takes more time, but people will actually help each other get to the finish and then be excited to start the next race.
People may have worked harder with this conductor to avoid his wrath, but it's more fun when you work harder in order to please someone. All I know is that I really am indifferent as to whether this conductor comes back again in the future.

Quotes from my pastor

I've been avoiding finishing my taxes all evening, so I cleaned out a big "To Do" pile of papers instead. I found some sermon notes I've taken over the past few months - all with the intention to blog and discuss. I'll just list them here and maybe refer back at a later date.

While studying Acts 16: Lydia's conversion - The Spirit closed the door to Asia and sent Paul to Philippi to save ONE woman. God's love is SO great that He would spend MY whole life to reach you.

While discussing sexual immorality - Anything against God's original design is sin (missing the mark.) Aiming at the target but missing the mark is falling short. Not aiming at the target is rebellion.

Acts 20
-Fear of hurting someone's feelings can cause us to be unfaithful to them. There are worse things than having our feelings hurt. Speaking the truth (in love) can help avoid deeper hurt.
-Bravery is rushing into danger without considering the consequences. Courage is knowing the consequences and rushing in anyway.
-Jesus didn't come to make your life easy. He came to make YOU better.

On Biblical vs. Topical study: Going through the book protects you from me.

(My favorite) The power is in the FIRE, not in the vessel. God set fire to a bush, not a redwood tree.

New Beginnings or Rewriting the past?

Easter services today. I almost didn't make it. I've been in bed with flu-like symptoms since a) chaperoning 61 8th graders to San Francisco for Spring Break b) taking the red eye back Wednesday night c) having a deep tissue massage 5 hours after landing in which the therapist attacked my lymph nodes like a wild Pastelito attacks a headless squirrel toy. I figured if my Savior could die on the cross for me, I could haul my ass out of bed and praise the fact that He is RISEN!

Our sunrise service was in the North Beach amphitheater. Here's what made it special: the outdoor atmosphere, the sun rising over the ocean, the blending of many different congregations, the message being in Spanish (and not having to rely entirely on the translator!) the kids playing, the people bringing their pets (I left mine at home), the jogger coming in after her morning run to worship, the drunk and barefoot smoker who could barely focus but yelled "He's ALIVE!" anyway, her trip to the altar for prayer, my pastor's ever-elegant wife comforting her after....it's definitely not the church I grew up in, but it is ever much HIS church.

After the service, I chatted with the pastor of a partnering church who happens to be my former singles pastor from my big-church days. We talked about getting together; he and his wife bought a house just blocks from me. There were some times when I was wounded by people in that ministry, but perhaps this is a chance to work it out. We talked about Facebook and how while it is a great connection tool, it sometimes brings out the skeletons and cobwebs. I've been dealing with a few of mine as things pop up at times. Again, perhaps a chance to work it out.

While we were talking, a woman who attended that ministry came by. She's my age and has Asperger's Syndrome, which is on the autism spectrum. She was not diagnosed until much later in life and so often times she comes across as severely mentally challenged. One of my conflicts with the singles ministry was trying to educate some of the "leaders" on how to deal with her. Their response was they didn't; they just ignored her rather than engaging her. We caught up briefly - she's moved to a safer area of town and is working two at-home jobs, trying to make ends meet. She's attending a small group with a woman that I know: She was part of my first small group! Again, the past comes back.

On the way home, I called my mom to wish her a Happy Easter. She excitedly told me about the cruise that she, her girlfriend, my sister and her family were all going on in August. I wondered aloud if the thought had crossed their mind that I might like to go; it hadn't. The call ended with me being made to feel like a selfish spoiled brat for pointing that out. Again - skeletons and cobwebs.

My "new life" resolution is to keep moving forward. I can't really forget the past. I can't rewrite it, either. I just have to learn how to react better to the present.

You do not have because you do not ask!

Since God answered this prayer last week, I had to put in some new ones. I've mostly been praying for a friend to open his heart to Jesus. He's a hardened recovering Catholic who believes that all paths lead to God and being a good person gets you to heaven. I love him dearly and want to see him there. I've also been praying for Him to bless my AdvoCare business, as the extra income will help me get out of debt faster (to give more money to His work) and free up my time from all of the side jobs that I'm currently doing to accelerate my debt reduction. (I've reduced it 5% in the last 6 months.) I made sales to 3 new customers this week; one was a nanny who saw me taking an AdvoCare Slim after school one day a few weeks ago. I gave her a catalog and my card and all of a sudden, she called today with questions and then ordered online. I've also started making a smoothie with the meal replacement shakes and fresh fruit. As I walk around school with it, people ask for a taste and now a coworker wants to buy a box.

I look up every time and whisper "Thank You."

Administration and the Bible

Ecclesiastes 10:5-6,10
There is an evil I have seen under the sun, the sort of error that arises from a ruler:
Fools are put in many high positions, while the rich occupy the low ones...
If the ax is dull and its edge unsharpened, more strength is needed but skill will bring success.

This was part of this morning's reading. As I read, the images of administrators and band directors I've known flashed before me. My morning prayer was to be sharp and stay calm at work, today and every day.

Prayers answered

James 4:2-3 "You do not have because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive because you ask with wrong motives...."

The commentary in my NIV Study Bible asks "Does God answer prayers if our motives aren't pure?" and goes on to say "There will always be some selfish elements in our prayers. In spite of this, God graciously hears us and answers us when we pray. But if our requests center on ourselves, rather than on God's purposes, God refuses to hear and answer. If he granted such requests, his integrity would be compromised and we would not benefit spiritually."

Remember this? Well, yes indeed it's true. I found out a few weeks ago that my brother and his wife have been trying very hard to get pregnant. Now, the REST of my family isn't really speaking to my brother. I've heard both sides and frankly don't care. Their problem isn't my problem. So in chatting with my sister-in-law about their latest fertility treatment, I told her I would add them to my morning prayer list. And I have prayed every morning. My motive was to bond their new young family and hopefully bridge together my own.

Guess who's pregnant?!

Back in the Game

I'm finishing up my 20th year of being a band director. (Of course, I am extremely gifted and started when I was 9!) My first 5 1/2 years were spent in an inner city situation where just surviving the day was a challenge. By the end, I had built a solid program where the kids and I were having fun and scoring well at district evaluations. We never cracked the Superior ceiling, but given the situation, it didn't bother me so much.

Then I moved to a better public school for the next 5 1/2 years. Within a year, I realized that I DID have a clue and we were getting Superiors every year. The kids and I were having fun and I felt I was at the top of my game.

When I moved to my current situation, I was still there. I took the band to their first evaluation and again, Superiors. The previous director never went because he felt the association didn't understand the needs of the smaller school. Perhaps the director didn't understand the game.

In Florida, if a middle school director earns Superior ratings for 5 consecutive years, a special recognition award is earned. (Appropriately named, the "5 years Superior" plaque.) Imagine my distress when after 4 years, I got an administrator who, through bad choices and no backbone against parents, decimated my program in 2 shorts months. Subsequently, an Excellent rating. Which meant back to square one on the 5 year plague.

Luckily, he didn't last more than that year, but the damage was done and it's taken me quite some time to get things back to where I'd had them. It's been so frustrating to fall short and wonder "Do I really GET it?" I know that the ratings aren't always a true reflection of the director's ability and that an Excellent rating can still show that the director is teaching well, but still - at one time, I could earn Superiors in my SLEEP.

This year, the tide has turned. Yesterday, the band not only earned a straight Superior, but had almost straight A's on their sheets. The B's earned were areas that I knew weren't quite locked in, so I totally saw them coming. MOST importantly, the kids and I had fun and they are ready to move on to the next project. AND my retention rate for next year is high. Right now, I can only name 5 kids out of about 50 who SHOULD be returning but aren't. 90% is an A.

I need to start looking for next year's program.

Google maps

If you put in a city to Google Maps, you get a nice satellite photo. Then you can drag the little person figure onto the map and it instantly zooms to street level. I was looking up some San Francisco stuff for our spring break trip and thought I would try to see how close I could land the little guy to the Pez Museum in Burlingame. On the first try, I landed on 316 California Drive. The Pez Museum is 214 California Drive. How scary is THAT?!

Music for the soul

It's a stressful month in general, every March is. The community band had a concert last night. I'm playing trumpet (NOT my main axe) and although everything was great, the horn parts were better. Still, Colonel Gabriel conducted so the experience was awe inspiring.

The band is having a chamber music concert in April, so I signed up (big commitment) and today finally pulled out the horn and music to see what I could pull together in a month.

I ran through bits and pieces of Mozart, Beethoven, Ravel and Saint-Saens, but I always seem to come back to the Strauss. Maybe it's the one I spent the most time on in college but there's just so much to that first movement. As I worked through it, something happened. I played the big, bold, powerful ending statement and I could barely hold back tears....I needed that release!

I miss passion.

Many Moods....

This hits home today. Now, before any of you post YOUR opinions, stop and think: "Am I personally in this situation at this moment?" Because if you're not, I'm REALLY not interested in anything you have to say.

Extroverted organized health nut?

I took the 43 Things Personality Quiz and found out I'm an

Extroverted Organized Health Nut

God and the housing market

Leviticus 25: 14-16
"If you sell land to one of your countrymen or buy any from him, do not take advantage of each other.
You are to buy from your countryman on the basis of the number of years since the Jubilee. And he is to sell to you on the basis of the number of years left for harvesting crops.
When the years are many, you are to increase the price, and when the years are few, you are to decrease the price, because what he is really selling you is the number of crops"



Discuss.....

Flu-like symptoms

Yesterday was tough. I ALMOST called in sick to school today. That hasn't happened in 6 or 7 YEARS. Then I started thinking about my schedule lately and thought I figured out the problem. Last week, I did a half marathon (with "complications") but other than a short nap and lots of fluids that afternoon, I didn't rest up and recover well. I jumped right back into the school week, walked 3-5 miles every night and stressed over school projects, grades and upcoming performances. Then I spent the weekend doing some THOROUGH house cleaning. Then yesterday I had a dental cleaning in the morning (which seems to have stirred up some germy things) and a deep tissue massage in the afternoon (more toxin things). By the time I left Doggy Middle School at 8 PM last night, I was running a low-grade fever. I felt better this morning and made it easily through the day. Tonight I went to community band but left at the break because my eyes were hot and my hair was hurting. (you know, flu-like symptoms where your whole body just aches.)

I just took a double shot of AdvoCare Rehydrate and some ProBiotic RESTORE and I'm going to bed. I'll let you know how that works out!

Dog-noramus

When we got back from Obedience School today, I took both dogs for a walk around the block. As we approached the pizza (Casola's) the corner, a fire/rescue truck pulled up and parked. As it did, the occupants thought it would be funny to flick the siren and make "meow" noises through their PA system. Guava FREAKED out and tried to pull my arm off to run back home. As the firemen were chuckling, I said "THANKS! Thanks a LOT!" They obviously didn't speak sarcasm.

I took the Pastelitos home and walked back to Casola's, saw the idiot at the counter and asked him to step outside so I could speak to him. I explained that a) my brother is a fireman b) I served as volunteer fire personnel in my little town growing up c) I'm really considering making my dogs service dogs (I think Queso might be great for search and rescue, actually) d) through his idiotic actions, my dogs are now terrified by fire trucks.

I didn't lose it, I just spoke as calmly as I could, although I was LIVID. He DID apologize and said usually when he does that, everyone thinks it's funny. I told him to please think before he does anything like that again. Hopefully he will.

Puppy Middle School

I started Guava in the Intermediate ("Middle School") level of obedience school today. She TECHNICALLY has one week of Puppy School left. She has to officially pass the "test" - Look, sit, stay, down, leave it and drop it. Queso passed with flying colors on Monday and Guava is actually more compliant, so the trainer said to go ahead and start Middle School this week. Queso starts on Monday.

Today we learned wait and heel. She got both commands right away. She has to miss next week because I'm judging. In fact, they're both going to miss Week 2 and Week 5. We'll have to schedule "tutoring" to make it up! How funny.

I just found out that if they become registered therapy dogs and work 10 times per year, they become tax deductions. I keep telling them they need to get jobs; now they can!

March could be a problem month

So as I referred to in my last post, it's "funky" time again. I wondered if subconsciously I was bracing myself for an "anniversary" of some sort...then I checked previous posts from about the same time and found this....

The Bing Blog: March is NOT my favorite month

Coincidence? Doubtful!

Going down the rabbit hole

The last few days have been rough. There hasn't been any MAJOR drama or situations to make it so, but it just feels like the start of one of those downward spirals I seem to experience every so often. I have a lot on my plate and there are major deadlines at work. This is also the time of year where we start counting down to Spring Break. I just hope I caught it in time and can find a way to get back on track and avert a real funk. That would really suck right now.

Reflections on a Sunday

I DID do the half marathon Sunday. I'm glad I did and am looking forward to the next one, whenever that may be.

Good
- my time was better than the last
- I'm not too tired/sore today
- I had fun

Rough
- the course went over the Julia Tuttle Causeway and back. Two LARGE bridges to go over. Each way. Starting at mile 6.
- the monthly visit from "Aunt Flo" started in the middle of the race

After I crossed the finish line, I walked across the street and went to church. My pastor's wife helped be get situated and recover. It was a little rough, I won't lie.

BEST
- While I was listening to Pastor Robert teach, I noticed the couple sitting behind me. I'm not certain, but they appeared homeless - we get many of them from time to time. Remember, South Beach is decadence, disparity and disciples all living together. They were quite dirty and had ragged clothes. I saw a HUGE scab on his arm. It looked like he had burned a peace sign into his forearm. When Robert made a comment in his message about helping the homeless and addicted, she piped up with her approval. During the final moments of the service, Robert asked anyone who didn't know and trust Jesus to come forward and just let Him in. What an amazing moment when the man behind me did. He looked broken and at the end of his rope, but I've been praying for him all week.

Another half

So I was on such a high after finishing the last half marathon, I went ahead and signed up for another one. Which is tomorrow. I had already decided it was a "fast-walk" race since I didn't train well this season due to my summer injury. I felt really good after the last one but didn't train as much as maybe I should have. Still, I finished with a time that was not too much off from previous years. Plus, as I said to 2 teachers who ran it HARD (one half and one full) and then couldn't walk right for a week - "Yeah! That's the difference between you and me. I KNOW I'm not going to win, so I'd rather just finish and be able to teach without pain the next day."

Tomorrow is more of the same, although I've done a lot more distance to get ready. In fact, I walked ALMOST every night this month, at least 3 miles but often more. I've dropped an insignificant amount of weight, but since I've been stalled out for so long, maybe I'm kicking myself off of my plateau.

The funny thing is - when I STARTED this post, I was really not looking forward to tomorrow and was weighing how guilty I would feel about wasting the entry fee if I just slept in and skipped it. 15 minutes later I'm loading up on pasta and getting ready to call it an early evening. The race starts at 6:13. Wish me luck!

Hope deferred

Proverbs 13:12 "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life."



Discuss!