RealityMatch.com

I was on match.com earlier today and all the guys (and probably the girls) keep saying they want someone with a sense of adventure, who likes to travel, enjoys all sorts of fun activities like tennis, boating, blah blah blah. Then it hit me: Once they get married, they get disappointed that their reality relationship doesn't look anything like their fantasy relationship. Unfortunately, some see their disappointment as an excuse to create excitement in other ways, sometimes by stepping out of their relationship into emotional (or physical) affairs.

The big problem is that if you leave your spouse for someone else, it's quite likely that you'll face the same problem again because reality can never match fantasy. It's not all flowers, romantic dinners and walks on the beach. It's maintaining a home, staying financially stable and walking through life together.

Unfortunately, if your match.com profile says "I want someone who will help by mowing the lawn, pays bills on time and is happy just BEING together," you don't get a lot of attention.

Dredging

—Verb phrase
dredge up,
a. to unearth or bring to notice:
b. to locate and reveal by painstaking investigation or search:

In the process of dredging up a canal, sediment is pulled from the bottom and redeposited elsewhere. The purpose is to keep the canal navigable. Sometimes the material that is excavated can helpful, making something new like a spoils island or replenishing sand to a washed-out beach.

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I got a call on Tuesday from someone I know. She really needed someone to talk to and went down her mental list of whom she could trust. Surprisingly, she landed on me. We've never talked about personal issues before so I was honored that she did.

Then she told me that her husband has been having an emotional affair outside of thier marriage. Since I have quite a bit of experience in this arena, from BOTH sides of the coin, I understand completely what's happening and can offer some pretty serious advice on how to handle things.

So here I am, dredging up my sediment and depositing it in a new location, hoping to make someone else's marriage more navigable.

There are so many layers to the pain that is causing me in the meantime. I hope it works and makes it worth the effort.

Rough day is all relative

I mentioned to a colleague today that I'd had a rough morning. She told me that I couldn't possible know what that is since I don't have kids to get ready in the morning. She told me the story of how her boys (9th grade and 12th grade) spent the morning arguing over a shirt - they both wanted to wear the same one to school. She'd done 10 loads of laundry over the weekend so there were plenty of other options.

I actually behaved and didn't tell her what I thought of HER rough morning, which was basically this: You have two grown-ass kids who can dress themselves and one of them drives the other to the school they both attend while you drive yourself and your daughter to the school at which you teach. Leave the house and let them figure it out. Let 'em go to school naked or be late because of their idiotic behavior AND let them deal with the consequences of their choices. End of your rough morning.

Yeah, it's probably a good thing I don't have kids.

Spinning plates again

Every year when school starts, it's a mad rush to get into a groove, even after 21 years of doing the same thing. It's like that juggling act with the plates spinning on sticks. You get some spinning really fast, and then move on to other plates, only paying attention to the ones that get wobbly.

The problem is, I'm busy spinning plates that belong to other people and the plates I want aren't even in sight. I'm always busy working on someone else's idea. When I get a spare moment to think about what I really want out of life, I'm too tired to care, let alone do anything about it.

MisMatched.com

So I decided to try the online dating thing again. Figured maybe if I took it seriously, I might actually enjoy it. Not so much. The online part, anyway. Can't make any comments about the dating part cuz that hasn't really happened. In fact, it seems that on average, about 3 out of 5 profiles are fake. If someone DOES make contact with you, they immediately want to e-mail OUTSIDE of the "safe" parameters of the dating website. I have an e-mail that I only use for that purpose, so I don't care. It has no identifying information, so whatever. Except then they person turns into someone with a sob story about being a widow, living outside of the country and needing money...blah blah blah. It would be amusing if it weren't so annoying.

I spent an hour tonight just clearing out profiles out of my "connection" box because those profiles don't exist anymore. Out of 31 connections, 11 profiles are gone. Either those 11 people found the love of their life or they were fake profiles of people who don't even exist.

It's been 29 days. The website has a "6 month promise." If you don't meet someone in 6 months, your next 6 months are free. Hmmmmmm.....that sound kinda like having a really crappy meal somewhere, having terrible service and getting food poisoning only to get a free gift certificate to come back.

Would you?

Weddings and such

I just got a call from my youngest sister. She and her boyfriend just got engaged. I knew it was coming because she called me last week to ask if I would consider getting ordained in Illinois and perform the ceremony for them. I told her I couldn't and I know she was disappointed.

It's not that I don't value their relationship. She's had quite a rough time finding that perfect match for her. She never fails to mention this will be her THIRD marriage, but really, I think this is the first "adult" relationship she's had. I think in the first two she was just trying to find something stable to grab on to in order to keep from falling in a pit. When your whole world is unstable, even a wobbly railing feels better than the edge of a cliff. Been there, done that myself. Since then, she's made an incredible journey and I really think this guy is going to be a safe, guiding force for her.

I told her that I can't do it because I really respect those who feel "called by God" to be in a position to perform such an important event. I know they go through incredible amounts of time and energy to be able to bring His glory into such an event. She sees it as just a ceremony and a piece of paper. I see it as so much more. I don't feel qualified.

People are funny

I was riding with a friend the other day. He was driving and is often impatient with other drivers. (Could be a guy thing; could be a Miami thing.)

So as he's trying to merge, an oblivious woman wasn't letting him in. He squeezed tight and did it anyway, much to her dismay. I've never understood people who get mad when one car gets in front of them - by the next stoplight, you're still right next to each other.

Anyway, he gets in front of her and observes that she's driving too slow, two other cars got in front of her, he's glad he's not behind her, blah blah blah. It was amusing how much energy went into the whole exchange.

Then traffic slows to a crawl. Right in front of us we see a disabled van, with one guy steering and another desperately trying to push it out of the roadway.

What does my friend do? Pulls over to the side of the road, hops out, helps them push with enough momentum to clear the road, tells them, "Have a better day!" Then gets back in the car and we're on our way.

Meanwhile, Ms. Oblivious is probably 3 blocks ahead of us by now. He'd forgotten all about that.

People are funny.

Comfortable and Convenient

Every time I meet someone with whom an easy, comfortable relationship develops, I immerse myself in it and it becomes exclusive to the rest of the world. Most of the time, I even know that it’s not going to go any further than friendship. It’s comfortable, convenient companionship. Rather than see it for what it is, enjoy it for what it is and appreciate it for what it is, I often keep hoping that it will change into something more. Sometimes, even after I’ve seen that the friendship can cause more harm than good, I let it ride. That’s just dangerous.

If I want something more, why am I so paralyzed to put myself out there and FIND something more? The thought of being with someone forever and raising a family seems so wonderful but the thought of having to meet someone and start from square one seems like too much work, too slow, too daunting. Most of the time, comfortable and convenient seems much more rewarding. But it’s not quite enough.

Dating involves rejection from square one. Just having an online profile causes rejection when your mailbox is empty and your profile is never visited. Comfortable friendships are safer. I’m not being rejected. Sometimes I’m probably just being used, but that’s better than being rejected. The hard part is when that comfortable relationship ends because he’s found someone that he DOES desire. That is rejection, pure and simple pain.

Lately, when I hear a man say something complimentary about a woman (she is STUNNING, she’s so amazing, she deserves to have someone who adores her) it wounds me to the core because what I hear is “You’ll never have someone say that to you. You’re not beautiful. You don’t deserve adoration. You’re not desirable and you’ll always be alone. THIS IS ALL THERE IS. DEAL WITH IT!”

I’m in the midst of a battle again and the enemy is hard at work. He is damaging some really good relationships because of my own skeletons and struggles. Rather than being excited to be working for HIS Glory, I’m having a hard time seeing how ANYTHING is worth doing since it all passes away. What I’m hearing is “If this is all there is, then why bother.”

Pray that He reveals my role in His plan and that He heals my heart to be able to hear Him louder than the enemy. And pray that He protects those around me from my destructive behavior in the meantime.

I think I get it!

I've been helping out a friend who is recovering from some setbacks. I genuinely want to do whatever I can to get things back on track and make him feel less down about the situation. Sometimes he has to ask for more help and I'm more than happy to give it. I just keep telling him that God provides and I happen to be the current conduit. I don't expect anything in return, really. I'm just thankful that God has put me in a position to be able to help.

I pondered this for a long time then it hit me: This is how Jesus loves us. He gives endlessly, joyfully to us. He doesn't do it because he expects anything in return. He doesn't make us feel guilty when we ask for more. He does it because He loves us, plain and simple.

My friend knows how tough Valentine's Day can be for a single girl. He surprised me with a sweet card and some chocolate covered strawberries. It really made me smile and feel appreciated, loved even. It was just his way of saying "Thanks" and it was perfect!

And through that, I got a small glimpse of how Jesus dances when we give thanks to Him and tell him we love Him.

Struggling to keep my mouth shut

I have someone that has been bouncing some frustrations off of me. Not AT me, just off me. They need someone to vent to, run some thoughts by, etc. The depth of this friendship is a newer venture. I'm trying really hard to just listen and not help with solutions. I think I just caused some frustration and anger by offering some fresh facts and a different insight to the situation. I really didn't mean to; I'm just tired of seeing someone constantly get beat down by people who have NO consideration for how they are treating others.

Lots of prayers - mostly for me to shut the heck up!

Changes

Do you ever feel like things are status quo for a long time but just when you've resigned yourself to the monotony, circumstances change and you can sense that something different is on the horizon? You're not sure what it is and you're not even sure that it's a GOOD thing. Still, the unknown beats the known and the electricity is worth the potential shock hazard.

I feel something like that right now. I have taken in two house guests that need a place to land. It's created quite a different life for me; instead of the solitude and quiet to which I have grown so comfortable, I have someone within the range of my voice 24-7. It's also created community dinner time and someone to watch movies with, someone to talk to and someone to help around the house. (BIG bonus!)

I know this is only a temporary situation. Right now, it's too new to be annoying. Perhaps it will never become a nuisance. All I do know is that it's different and I can sense that it's going to change something in me or for me in a big way.

Back to work

Sadly, the party is over. It is time to face reality and go back to work tomorrow. I've rather enjoyed the last 2 weeks of doing what I need/want to do WHEN I need/want to do it. I could really get used to it. Unfortunately, right now I need to income. Perhaps when I have no debt and am independently wealthy, I can live my life on my terms. Don't think I'm not working on it!

post-holiday analysis

It's so hard to get into the holiday spirit because so many people don't have the Holy Day Spirit. My family has a large tradition of gift giving and as the family gets larger, so does the cost. As an effort to cut down on consumerism and also financial budget strains, I made homemade star fruit jelly from my own tree and shortbread cookies of my own design to send to friends and family. The whole time, in the back of my head I kept imagining their disdain of "She's so cheap. She doesn't care about us." The feedback I got was quite positive, however and I feel that perhaps we have final broken through the chains of consumerism and moved towards the true meaning of giving. We still have a long way to go until they all understand CHRISTmas at the core.

Add to that everyone's given plans to spend time with the family or that special someone for Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner. It's like 4 solid weeks of reminding me of what I DON'T have rather than celebrating the 46 weeks of things I DO have. I felt the need a few years ago to sever holiday visits and vacations with my entire family at once because it always seems to become a toxic environment for me. Alone, I have a great relationship with each branch of the family tree. Together, it's like a raging forest fire. It's always hard as those big days draw closer because people ask "What are you doing for that day.?" Depending on my state of mind at that moment, I may be perfectly honest and say, "I don't really have anything set yet" or I may lie through my teeth and say, "I'm going to go here and then there and then over yonder to visit with all of my various friends in town." Which isn't always a lie; I often fully intend to be the Holiday social butterfly, but by the time I wake up that morning, I realize that I have no idea of my various' friends' actual plans and decide it's not worth possibly crashing a party that may not even be happening. And to me, there is nothing more pathetic sounding than asking someone, "Can I come to your house and hang out on the day that everyone else already HAS a place to go?" Even worse is getting asked to come over because you have nowhere else to go. That's a pity invite. If someone really wanted you at your holiday table, they would ask you BEFORE you tell them you have no options on the table. Granted, I KNOW that I am welcome there, but it's nice to be wanted there. And yes, there is a distinct difference. I am blessed because I have a friend in town with a HUGE family and I have spent the last few Thanksgivings and Christmas Eve's there. They welcome me like one of their own and the atmosphere is wonderful. Still, I always wait for the invitation, never assuming that I'm on the guest list. It can be a bit unnerving at times.

And then enter New Year's Eve. Of ALL the celebrations of the year that fail to live up to the hype! It's looking back at the unfullfilled expectations of the last 365 days. It's a reminder of all the things you were going to change 12 full moons ago but didn't. It's the realization that for most of us, our lives don't look any different today than they did yesterday, last week, last month or last year. But still, we enter the new calendar with eager anticipation that THIS time, we mean it. This time, we're going to follow through and really do it. And then we usually realize things aren't as bad as they seem and we just deal it.

Lost in Translation

I managed to read through the entire bible in 2009 using a plan at OnePlace.com. I just started another plan and thought I'd try something a little different. Last year I did the "Classic" plan with a reading from the Old Testament, one starting at the Psalms and one from the New Testament using the NIV translation.

Just for variety, I thought I'd try the Old/New Testament (1 reading from each) using "The Message." The language is much easier to read, but I sometimes worry about translations becoming interpretations. I trust OnePlace to not put any link to a Bible that has changed scripture to the point of being unrecognizable or untrue. I've read Bible scholar reviews of many translations/versions of the Bible that have been published, including a few that perhaps shouldn't have been.

My take on The Message is that it's a good thought-for-thought (not word-for-word) paraphrase that is good for reading but not for study. I think I can live with that, since I have my NIV version for church and study. I also have my KJV from high school confirmation and my Children's Bible from elementary school. The fact that my Children's Bible is more dog-eared and used than my KJV speaks volumes. Maybe I'll read through THAT one again, just to get an adult perspective on it.

What version/study plan are YOU using these days?

It's inevitable

January 1. It's the time for making all those promises to ourselves. Promises to make us be better than we are at the moment. That's not a bad thing but if not handled properly, it can set you up to feel worse than before.

By glancing back through the Bing Blog posts, 2009 was really not a bad year. There was nothing outstanding life-changing for me, but nothing really dramatically devastating either. That's a big plus.

Still, there are things on my "Bucket List" that will stay there unless I do something to change it. The keys are to make SMART goals - Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant and Time Bound - and to not make a bajillion different goals scattered in 500 directions.

Today is a rainy New Year's Day, so it's been a great one for reflection, resolution and resolve. Not a bad start to a new year.