post-holiday analysis

It's so hard to get into the holiday spirit because so many people don't have the Holy Day Spirit. My family has a large tradition of gift giving and as the family gets larger, so does the cost. As an effort to cut down on consumerism and also financial budget strains, I made homemade star fruit jelly from my own tree and shortbread cookies of my own design to send to friends and family. The whole time, in the back of my head I kept imagining their disdain of "She's so cheap. She doesn't care about us." The feedback I got was quite positive, however and I feel that perhaps we have final broken through the chains of consumerism and moved towards the true meaning of giving. We still have a long way to go until they all understand CHRISTmas at the core.

Add to that everyone's given plans to spend time with the family or that special someone for Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner. It's like 4 solid weeks of reminding me of what I DON'T have rather than celebrating the 46 weeks of things I DO have. I felt the need a few years ago to sever holiday visits and vacations with my entire family at once because it always seems to become a toxic environment for me. Alone, I have a great relationship with each branch of the family tree. Together, it's like a raging forest fire. It's always hard as those big days draw closer because people ask "What are you doing for that day.?" Depending on my state of mind at that moment, I may be perfectly honest and say, "I don't really have anything set yet" or I may lie through my teeth and say, "I'm going to go here and then there and then over yonder to visit with all of my various friends in town." Which isn't always a lie; I often fully intend to be the Holiday social butterfly, but by the time I wake up that morning, I realize that I have no idea of my various' friends' actual plans and decide it's not worth possibly crashing a party that may not even be happening. And to me, there is nothing more pathetic sounding than asking someone, "Can I come to your house and hang out on the day that everyone else already HAS a place to go?" Even worse is getting asked to come over because you have nowhere else to go. That's a pity invite. If someone really wanted you at your holiday table, they would ask you BEFORE you tell them you have no options on the table. Granted, I KNOW that I am welcome there, but it's nice to be wanted there. And yes, there is a distinct difference. I am blessed because I have a friend in town with a HUGE family and I have spent the last few Thanksgivings and Christmas Eve's there. They welcome me like one of their own and the atmosphere is wonderful. Still, I always wait for the invitation, never assuming that I'm on the guest list. It can be a bit unnerving at times.

And then enter New Year's Eve. Of ALL the celebrations of the year that fail to live up to the hype! It's looking back at the unfullfilled expectations of the last 365 days. It's a reminder of all the things you were going to change 12 full moons ago but didn't. It's the realization that for most of us, our lives don't look any different today than they did yesterday, last week, last month or last year. But still, we enter the new calendar with eager anticipation that THIS time, we mean it. This time, we're going to follow through and really do it. And then we usually realize things aren't as bad as they seem and we just deal it.