Insult to F-ing Injury

As if today didn't completely and totally suck enough air already, my computer took a little tumble off the table after school. I'm supposed to judge a squillion honor band auditions via the web in the next week and my wireless card just bit it.

Bing's Law of "Why Bother?"

"Since recognition of a job well done is rarely based upon whether the job was actually done well or not, who freakin' cares?"

-Bing
9/28/07

Bing's Lunar Law

"The closer the moon is to its FULL phase, the more the freakin' idiots around you will show their incompetence."

- Bing
9/28/07

Bing's Law

"The harder you work and the more competent you are, the more you are surrounded by freakin' idiots!"

- Bing
9/28/07

Rules For The Blues

After reading Rule #15, I must hereafter be addressed as ADHD Guava Fillmore

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Rules For The Blues

1) Most blues begin "woke up this mornin'."
2) You can't use "Got a good woman" to start a blues unless you insert something nasty in the next line.
· Got a good woman
· with the meanest dog in town
3) Blues are simple. After you have that first line, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of.
· Got a good woman
· with the meanest dog in town
· Got a good woman
· with the meanest dog in town
· He got teeth like Maggie Thatcher
· and he weighs 'bout 500 pounds.
4) The blues are NOT about limitless choice.
5) Appropriate blues transportation includes Chevies, Cadillacs, Greyhound buses and southbound trains.
6) Walkin' is a major part of the blues lifestyle as is fixin' to die.
7) You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression. Chicago, Saint Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues.
8) The following colors do not belong in the blues:
· Violet
· Beige
· Mauve
9) You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong.
10) Good locations for the blues:
· The highway
· The jailhouse
· The empty bed
10a) Bad locations for the blues:
· The Gap
· Gallery openings
· Weekends at the beach
11) No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit unless you are an old black man.
12) You have a right to sing the blues if:
· Your first name is a southern state (Georgia)
· You're blind
· You shot a man in Memphis
· You can't be satisfied
12a) You DON'T have a right to sing the blues if:
· You were once blind but now can see
· You're deaf
· You have a trust fund
13) If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues. Other blues beverages are:
· Wine
· Irish whiskey
· Muddy water
13a) Blues beverages are NOT:
· Any mixed drink
· Any wine kosher for Passover
· Yoo Hoo
14) Appropriate blues deaths include:
· Cheap motels
· Shotgun shacks
· Stabbed in the back
· Electric chair
· Substance abuse
14a) Death during liposuction treatments is NOT an acceptable blues death.
15) Creating a blues name:
· Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic)
· First name or name of fruit (Willie, Bessie, Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, Melon)
· Last name of a U S President
Example - Cripple Lemon Clinton
15a) People with names like Sequoia or Sierra will not be permitted to sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
16) Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means you're old enough to get the electric chair for shooting a man in Memphis.

BIG deal

I just found out there is going to be a guest speaker at our high school next week. It hasn't been announced publicly yet, so I'm not at liberty to divulge that information, but it's a BIG deal. BIG BIG deal. VERY cool big deal....stay tuned

"You can assume alcohol was involved," he said.....

PORTLAND, Ore. — Snake collector Matt Wilkinson of Portland grabbed a 20-inch rattler from the highway near Maupin, and three weeks later, to impress his ex-girlfriend, he stuck the serpent in his mouth.
He was soon near death with a swollen tongue that blocked his throat. Trauma doctors at the Oregon Health and Science University saved his life.

"You can assume alcohol was involved," he said. Actually, not just beer. It was something he called a "mixture of stupid stuff."

Chicken vs. egg, part 2

I was just telling a friend about my lunchtime dilemma and she told me a joke:

"There was a chicken and an egg, lying in bed, smoking a cigarette. And the question was..."

I stopped her there. I said that would be sort of incestuous or pedophilic or something....

Ahoy, mateys!

COMPLETELY forgot that it was "Talk Like a Pirate Day" today. This of all the fun I could have had with my students today!

Lunchtime dilemma

Today at lunch, we had chicken wings, but there were also hard boiled eggs on the salad bar. I took both, but then I couldn't decide which should be eaten first - the chicken or the egg?

Flushed away

I made the comment to someone the other day that my faith seems to be in the toilet lately. They didn't really know how to handle that. Don't really care - I'm just being honest. Sorry if that makes some of you uncomfortable.

Does God care that I'm feeling a little selfishly unhappy right now? I'm not so sure. I think He cares whether I'm trying to be like Jesus, or if I'm trying to introduce others to Him, or if my heart hurts for those around the world who don't know Him or worse, have rejected Him. But does He care about my day-to-day dissatisfaction with my life? Hmmmm...I think He wants to slap me around a little bit and treat me like the selfish brat that I am. But hey, those of you who've been following my journey will be happy to know that I've graduated from the 4 year old "throw a temper tantrum in the middle of the store" brat to the 14 year old "belligerent, hormone-raging adolescent who hates the world and everything in it."

Oh, and the whole "prosperity gospel" - if you ask, you'll get. If you haven't gotten yet, you haven't prayed hard enough or haven't been specific enough or "Christian" enough or honest enough....that's pretty much a load of crap, too. God promises us salvation if we put our lives in His son Jesus' hands. That's pretty much ALL we're promised. Everything else that's GOOD is a gift. Everything that sucks...well, that's life. It's what we really deserve in the first place.

Right now, I'm in the middle of "Life".....it's feeling pretty sucky!

Now, now...before you start getting all gossipy "Let's talk about Bing so we can pray for her" or Pollyanna "Everything's gonna be fine" on me, remember the original purpose of the Bing Blog: to let those who know me and care to read it get a look at what's going on inside my skull. It's not always fun and games and pretty. Sometimes it's dark and twisted. I'm just trying to be real.

It's just a phase. It'll pass.

Transformers vs. God

Elias: Well, as it turns out, cars and trucks that turn into robots aren’t really that blasphemous, because my pastors says that machines can turn into other machines, and it’s not a slight against God.

Randal: Transformers are a total slight against God inasmuch as God sent His only begotten son to die on the cross to redeem mankind and all we did to pay him back was make terrible fucking cartoons like the Transformers.

Elias: Well, ‘cause at Bible camp, we made this flow chart which kind of like, proved or whatever, that since God created Man and man created Transformers, the Transformers are a gift from God, Randal.

Randal: No sir. They are not a gift from God. They are an unholy curse from the Beast we call the desolate one.
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Clerks 2

Don’t Drink the Strychnine

If you read your bible and believe the Word is truth
The good Lord in his mercy might sheath the serpents tooth.
But if you’re bound for glory and you stumble on the trail
The poison will take you faster than the serpent will.

So, don’t drink the strychnine if you ain’t livin’ right.
If you’re lost out in the darkness you’ll be blinded by the light.
If you believe in Jesus, believe with all your might.
But don’t drink the strychnine if you ain’t livin’ right.

The time will surely come when you’ll be asked to test your faith.
And you might be tempted to take a little taste.
Although you may be holy and your intentions may be pure.
Don’t drink the strychnine ‘til you’re absolutely sure.

So, don’t drink the strychnine if you ain’t livin’ right.
If you’re lost out in the darkness you’ll be blinded by the light.
If you believe in Jesus, believe with all your might.
But don’t drink the strychnine if you ain’t livin’ right.

The Laws of the Crown

Have you every actually READ the inside of a Burger King crown? I have – I know, SHOCKER!

A) Adjust size and be the first to place on head.
B) Whoever places the Crown on his or her head first, then in a loud voice proclaims, “I am the King” is from that moment forward, in charge. Rule ends if Crown is removed (see Coup d’etat). Crownings can happen anywhere, at any time.

ADVANCED PLAY
1. There can only be one King.
2. The King always gets his/her own way.
3. The King must speak with some kind of cool accent.
4. The King makes all the important decisions governing selection of TV channels, movies, radio stations, as well as popular activities like snowboarding, poll hopping and cow tipping. The King also determines who gets the remote, who rides “shotgun’ and, of course, who pays.
5. Rule ends when Crown is removed for more than 3 seconds (see Three Second Law).
6. Disagreement with the King results in a “penalty.” This is decided by the King. Common penalties include: forfeiture of fries, surrender of video game controller and banishment from office cubicle.

THREE SECOND LAW
The King’s rule ends when the Crown is removed from their head for any reason, accidental or otherwise. The first person to exclaim, “One…Two…Three…King!” may claim the Crown.

IN THE EVENT OF A TIE
If two people Crown themselves King simultaneously, the person whose birth date is closest to Dec. 4, 1954 (date the first BURGER KING restaurant opened) is King.

COUP D’ETAT
If everyone agrees you completely stink as King, your rule may be renounced. This constitutes a Coup d’etat. A new King may be Crowned if the group can reach a unanimous decision. If not, the Three Second Law applies.

KINGDOM
If you are eating in a BURGER KING restaurant, your rule extends all the way to the edge of the parking lot. Off restaurant grounds, your rule extends to a radius of 10 feet around you in any direction.

WARNING: This Burger King crown is made of paper. Your rule may end prematurely if crown is exposed to water or flame.

Toughen up, kid!

got this e-mail from G today....this was an actual conversation he heard at school today!

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Just heard a conversation in the faculty lounge that you might get a kick out of…..a dean was talking to a teacher, apparently about a kid who was crying in her Spanish class. (I can’t remember if it was a boy or girl they were referring to, but I’ll just say “he” to refer to the student.)

The dean asked, “What are you just going to make him cry again?”

The teacher replied, “I guess so.”

Dean: “Are you going to have him crying in your class all the time?”

Teacher: “Look, I can’t help it if he’s that sensitive. He’s going to have to learn…”

Dean: “But, all he did was give a wrong answer to a question, and he said you gave him a mean look.”

Teacher: “Then put him in another class.” (in frustration)

Dean: “But you’re the nicest one in the department!”

SO many layers!

Got a call from my sister yesterday. Well, actually, her 9 year old daughter called and left me a message to call her. When I did, she told me "Mommy's having a baby!" and then handed the phone to my sister. This is the same sister who told me 2 years ago that she's too busy to call me.

Am I supposed to be excited for her? I ain't really feelin' it at the moment.

This whole situation (and how I'm feeling about it) is like an onion. It has SO many layers. It ain't like a parfait - a parfait has many layers, and everybody LOVES a parfait. Not everybody loves onions.

I need a day off!

It's Monday and I'm exhausted! I drove to Orlando with Lamburrito on Saturday afternoon. His sister took her girls to the Christian Music Night of Faith event at Magic Kingdom and we met them there, hung out a bit, went to see the play Cupid and Psyche, and drove back yesterday. I didn't run AT ALL this weekend, nor did I "spark" it up, so my body is in protest. I started today with back-to-back meetings, and didn't have time to really get my work done to start the week off. Plus the kids forget everything over the weekend so Mondays are all about retraining them. All in all, trash collecting sounds like a much better occupation at this particular moment.

When the devil calls collect

Well, technically, they are.

So Thursday night was "Back to School" night where the parents come and follow their child's schedule and meet all the teachers. I got to hear the guitar teacher tell his groups that he was "certified" in Harness discussion procedures (which is lost on you if you don't work at my school) and then asked them to discuss this topic: If aliens landed on our planet, what one song would you play for them as the "definitive" American rock and roll song.

Many of the parents said just as quietly and patiently as the fruit of their loins do every morning. Some offered good ideas and insights. The highlight of the evening was when Mr. Harkness himself said his personal choice might have to be something from the Beatles or the Rolling Stones. After about 30 seconds of dead silence, one of the parents asked, "Aren't they British?'

My tongue still hurts from where I about bit through it to keep from laughing!

Schoolhouse ROCKS!

Our school does a musical every fall. The Middle School and Upper School alternate years. This year it’s the middle school’s turn. I found out last week that we’re doing “Schoolhouse Rocks!” but I couldn’t say anything until it was announced today. When it was, I started applauding like mad then realized that I was THE ONLY PERSON doing so. This was in the auditorium during announcements; the place was packed with 7th and 8th graders. The moment was lost on them.

I WANNA BE CONJUNCTION JUNCTION!

Anyone? Anyone?

Today the guitar teacher was trying to get his 8th grade students to name famous American composers. He prompted them with first names, and waited for the last names. It was like Ferris Bueller’s Day Off at one point –
Him: “Aaron? Anyone? Anyone?
Kids: (UNCONCSIOUS)
Him: Copeland……Aaron Copeland.”

Him: “Richard? Anyone? Anyone?
Kids: (DROOLING IN PATTERNS ON THEIR MUSIC STANDS)
Him: Rodgers….Richard Rodgers.”

The part where I spit my mouthful of coffee across the room in a fit of giggles was this one:
Him: “Leonard?
Kids: (LOUDLY and in UNISON) SKYNARD!

Your OTHER left

This is the time of year when I get to teach my darling beginning band students how to put their instruments together, take care of them properly, and ultimate, play with a tone quality that won’t make the dog hide under the bed for the next 6 months. Today’s woodwind class went something like this:
“OK, saxes and flutes, you’ll need to read through page 2 and 3 SILENTLY while I work with the clarinets on putting their instruments together. You DO know the meaning of the word “SILENT,” right? Then why are you talking, sir? Oh, you AREN’T talking. Excuse me. I just saw your lips moving and sounds were coming out. I mistakenly took your demon possession for talking. So sorry!”
NOW – clarinets, you’ve done really well putting your reeds on the mouthpiece and even adding the barrel, and we’ve gotten some pretty good tones on just that much. Unfortunately, your parents paid good money for the instrument and I think they’ll be disappointed if we don’t use ALL of it, so against my better judgment and ignoring the effect this will have on my sanity, here we go.
OK – do you see the piece in your case that has corks on BOTH ends? That’s the upper joint. (No, Sam. We’re NOT going to grease the corks again. I know you have REALLY enjoyed doing that, and I know you’re really good at it, but let’s move forward, shall we?) OK, I want you to pick up the upper joint in your left hand. No, your LEFT hand. No, your OTHER left hand. No….not THAT piece. The other one. Right. NO, your LEFT hand……Is everybody with me? Flutes, could you stop with the head joint work right now? I’m working with the clarinets. Thanks."

Well, I think you kind of get the picture. I won’t even mention the brass/percussion class. It involves sticks. That’s just too much for right now. Tomorrow is Parent’s Night. I’m supposed to talk to each class of parents for 10 minutes. I think I’m just going to videotape class and play it for them. That’ll pretty much sum it all up for them.