Struggling to keep my mouth shut

I have someone that has been bouncing some frustrations off of me. Not AT me, just off me. They need someone to vent to, run some thoughts by, etc. The depth of this friendship is a newer venture. I'm trying really hard to just listen and not help with solutions. I think I just caused some frustration and anger by offering some fresh facts and a different insight to the situation. I really didn't mean to; I'm just tired of seeing someone constantly get beat down by people who have NO consideration for how they are treating others.

Lots of prayers - mostly for me to shut the heck up!

Changes

Do you ever feel like things are status quo for a long time but just when you've resigned yourself to the monotony, circumstances change and you can sense that something different is on the horizon? You're not sure what it is and you're not even sure that it's a GOOD thing. Still, the unknown beats the known and the electricity is worth the potential shock hazard.

I feel something like that right now. I have taken in two house guests that need a place to land. It's created quite a different life for me; instead of the solitude and quiet to which I have grown so comfortable, I have someone within the range of my voice 24-7. It's also created community dinner time and someone to watch movies with, someone to talk to and someone to help around the house. (BIG bonus!)

I know this is only a temporary situation. Right now, it's too new to be annoying. Perhaps it will never become a nuisance. All I do know is that it's different and I can sense that it's going to change something in me or for me in a big way.

Back to work

Sadly, the party is over. It is time to face reality and go back to work tomorrow. I've rather enjoyed the last 2 weeks of doing what I need/want to do WHEN I need/want to do it. I could really get used to it. Unfortunately, right now I need to income. Perhaps when I have no debt and am independently wealthy, I can live my life on my terms. Don't think I'm not working on it!

post-holiday analysis

It's so hard to get into the holiday spirit because so many people don't have the Holy Day Spirit. My family has a large tradition of gift giving and as the family gets larger, so does the cost. As an effort to cut down on consumerism and also financial budget strains, I made homemade star fruit jelly from my own tree and shortbread cookies of my own design to send to friends and family. The whole time, in the back of my head I kept imagining their disdain of "She's so cheap. She doesn't care about us." The feedback I got was quite positive, however and I feel that perhaps we have final broken through the chains of consumerism and moved towards the true meaning of giving. We still have a long way to go until they all understand CHRISTmas at the core.

Add to that everyone's given plans to spend time with the family or that special someone for Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner. It's like 4 solid weeks of reminding me of what I DON'T have rather than celebrating the 46 weeks of things I DO have. I felt the need a few years ago to sever holiday visits and vacations with my entire family at once because it always seems to become a toxic environment for me. Alone, I have a great relationship with each branch of the family tree. Together, it's like a raging forest fire. It's always hard as those big days draw closer because people ask "What are you doing for that day.?" Depending on my state of mind at that moment, I may be perfectly honest and say, "I don't really have anything set yet" or I may lie through my teeth and say, "I'm going to go here and then there and then over yonder to visit with all of my various friends in town." Which isn't always a lie; I often fully intend to be the Holiday social butterfly, but by the time I wake up that morning, I realize that I have no idea of my various' friends' actual plans and decide it's not worth possibly crashing a party that may not even be happening. And to me, there is nothing more pathetic sounding than asking someone, "Can I come to your house and hang out on the day that everyone else already HAS a place to go?" Even worse is getting asked to come over because you have nowhere else to go. That's a pity invite. If someone really wanted you at your holiday table, they would ask you BEFORE you tell them you have no options on the table. Granted, I KNOW that I am welcome there, but it's nice to be wanted there. And yes, there is a distinct difference. I am blessed because I have a friend in town with a HUGE family and I have spent the last few Thanksgivings and Christmas Eve's there. They welcome me like one of their own and the atmosphere is wonderful. Still, I always wait for the invitation, never assuming that I'm on the guest list. It can be a bit unnerving at times.

And then enter New Year's Eve. Of ALL the celebrations of the year that fail to live up to the hype! It's looking back at the unfullfilled expectations of the last 365 days. It's a reminder of all the things you were going to change 12 full moons ago but didn't. It's the realization that for most of us, our lives don't look any different today than they did yesterday, last week, last month or last year. But still, we enter the new calendar with eager anticipation that THIS time, we mean it. This time, we're going to follow through and really do it. And then we usually realize things aren't as bad as they seem and we just deal it.

Lost in Translation

I managed to read through the entire bible in 2009 using a plan at OnePlace.com. I just started another plan and thought I'd try something a little different. Last year I did the "Classic" plan with a reading from the Old Testament, one starting at the Psalms and one from the New Testament using the NIV translation.

Just for variety, I thought I'd try the Old/New Testament (1 reading from each) using "The Message." The language is much easier to read, but I sometimes worry about translations becoming interpretations. I trust OnePlace to not put any link to a Bible that has changed scripture to the point of being unrecognizable or untrue. I've read Bible scholar reviews of many translations/versions of the Bible that have been published, including a few that perhaps shouldn't have been.

My take on The Message is that it's a good thought-for-thought (not word-for-word) paraphrase that is good for reading but not for study. I think I can live with that, since I have my NIV version for church and study. I also have my KJV from high school confirmation and my Children's Bible from elementary school. The fact that my Children's Bible is more dog-eared and used than my KJV speaks volumes. Maybe I'll read through THAT one again, just to get an adult perspective on it.

What version/study plan are YOU using these days?

It's inevitable

January 1. It's the time for making all those promises to ourselves. Promises to make us be better than we are at the moment. That's not a bad thing but if not handled properly, it can set you up to feel worse than before.

By glancing back through the Bing Blog posts, 2009 was really not a bad year. There was nothing outstanding life-changing for me, but nothing really dramatically devastating either. That's a big plus.

Still, there are things on my "Bucket List" that will stay there unless I do something to change it. The keys are to make SMART goals - Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant and Time Bound - and to not make a bajillion different goals scattered in 500 directions.

Today is a rainy New Year's Day, so it's been a great one for reflection, resolution and resolve. Not a bad start to a new year.

Focus on the POSITIVE!

I had a friend suggest this week that perhaps I need to do a better job on focusing on the POSITIVE things in my life rather than constantly complaining about the negative.

I have another roof leak that I thought I could wait until spring to fix since winter is usually pretty dry here. Today we had a deluge that was very spring-like. There is a puddle in my house. It's going to cost about $7,000 to properly fix the roof.

I'm POSITIVE that I have no idea how I'm going to manage this one.

(Is that better? Am I being more positive?)

Karma?

For the past few weeks, I've been letting a friend stay in the cabana while she is separated from her husband. On Saturday, she'll move into the Pez room because another friend is going to move into the cabana while he recovers from a job loss. I'm not doing it for any other reason than I have space and they need space.

This week the car broke down, the wireless router crapped out, the pool pump started leaking, an electrical breaker is on the fritz, the dishwasher tried to eat a cookie press disk and the dogs ate my AquaVee. Oh, and let's not forget the Facebook "as if" request (which I ignored.) If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all.

Seriously - what gives? If this is what's going to happen every time I try to help someone, then forget about it. I'm done.

Dear Ex

"I was quite surprised to see your friend request on Facebook today. Our marriage ended over 11 years ago and not on good terms. We haven't spoken since and have moved forward with our own lives. I'm curious as to what caused you to feel the need to reconnect at this point. Your request had no personal note attached, so I'm only left to speculate what is on your mind. I'm sure I have no idea.

When relationships end, a door closes but many other opportunities open. To re-open closed doors is to peek into past memories, good and bad, and to risk the flood of regrets and "What if....?" I think for both of us, it may be best to leave that door closed. I wish you nothing but the best for you, your family and your future."


OK gang - this is SOOOO not what I really want to say but I think for all parties involved, it's best to just not engage and let sleeping dogs lie. (No Pastelitos reference intended.) Please give me your input and help me write one of the most important notes of my life!

Focus on the middle!

Someone wise once said that good things and bad things happen simultaneously in life. It's like parallel tracks on a railway line. We just tend to focus on one side or the other. That describes my life right now. I've been really focused on what is SO good (almost everything) and haven't worried about the rest. Then in the span of 24 hours I get hit from all sides with things that just want to make me crawl in bed and come out in February like Puxtahawney Phil, the groundhog.

Is it possible to just focus on the middle? It might make me less joyful about the good things but the bad things won't derail me completely.

"Look"

There are 3 things that The Pastelitos have not been doing well the last two weeks: "Look," "Heel" and "Stay."

For "Look," I should be able to say look and they look at my face. Dogs are 80% visual, so hand signals work well for teaching behaviors. The verbal commands are added after the behavior is mastered. They did this REALLY well in puppy and Intermediate class when I was able to use the clicker to signal "Good Job" and give them a treat as a reward. I can't do either in Advanced. In fact, for the first week of Advanced, I had to completely ignore them so they wouldn't take me for granted. After that week, they were completely focused on me at all times. Yet for the past few weeks, when I say, "Look!" they've just ignored me. They knew that what I wanted next was for them to sit and they would go ahead and sit but without the “look” first.

My trainer taught me a trick to get them to re-learn “look.” She said that if you tell them to “look” and they don’t, pinch the tip of the ear REALLY hard. It sends a shock and gets their attention FAST. I did that with Guava and as much as it pained ME to see her jump, it worked. The second time I said “look” after the pinch, she jumped away from me but did look. I was able to give her a “Good girl!” and scratch her head. Once she re-learned that “Look” can bring GOOD things, she hasn’t ignored me.

I was thinking about how the way I have to train them is similar to the way God is training me.

I need to remember to "Look," especially when He calls. It's one thing to do what we know He wants us to do, but that's not enough. We have to remember to always “Look” for Him to tell us rather than assume we know better. Also, sometimes if we don’t look, we get pinched and it hurts. We learn quickly to keep our eyes on our Master. It’s better for us in the long run.

The Holidays and Pity Invites

I get so tired of the holidays sometimes. Those with families feel sorry for those of us without and try to convince us to join their celebration, full of family inside-stories, traditions and drama that you don't feel included, you just feel like a spectator at a circus freak show. It just makes you feel WORSE than if you just stayed home and enjoyed the day on your own terms.

The truth is, it's not SAD that I'm home alone for the holidays. It's circumstance. I'm not entirely happy with it, but I'm dealing with it. To me, it's just another day only I get to live it on MY terms. Now THERE is something to be thankful for!

EPIC DOG FAIL!

The Pastelitos didn't pass their CGC test today. They seemed fine while we had to sit in the store with 15 other dogs, waiting for our turn. Then Queso got in the ring and got a bit antsy. Once he didn't pass, I think Guava could sense my disappointment, so she didn't even act like herself. I didn't feel 100% sure going in to it, though, so I'm not surprised or even that upset. It just means more hours of practice. It's been a crazy busy month so I didn't get to concentrate on them like maybe I should have. Now it's the holidays so I can be home more and focus on them. There's another test in a month. We'll see how it goes.

God's plan and the Dog plan

I have a plan for my dogs to be well-behaved, pass their CGC and then become Reading Therapy dogs. It looks like that may not happen the way that I wanted. My plan hasn't changed, though. The Pastelitos are just taking a longer route.


In the same way, God set up His perfect plan in motion and we messed it up. That doesn't mean His plan has changed, it just means our path has. When we stray, lose sight of Him or worry that He's left us, He helps us get back on track in a number of ways. Sometimes, it's painful. When we focus on Him, it's easier to understand what He wants us to do.

Just good manners

I was discussing with a friend the other day about the me-centeredness of our younger generation. I'm sure that is a common them of EVERY older generation but some of the things that I see 20-somethings doing today are things I would have never DREAMED of doing when I was that age.

Case #1: My most recent cabana dwellers were really respectful of the fact that they were living in my house. They did use my kitchen but it was always clean. She apologize a few times for arguing loudly and hoped I wasn't disturbed by it, but the truth is I never heard a thing. Once they gave me a gift of an extra $100 rent because they were grateful for being able to stay in a place that was so inexpensive, giving them an opportunity to catch up on some bills.

Why is it, then, that a full 3 months after they moved out, the majority of their belongings are still here? They packed up their car and said he was going to come back and get the rest of the small stuff and they were going to try and sell the furniture on Craig's List. I've been calling for a month now and I'm still getting the "We're working on it" message. I was supposed to have someone move in there THIS WEEK and was asked "Well - does HE want to buy our furniture?" Even if he DID, there is still the matter of your clothes, books, cds and various other personal effects. Then came, "Well - maybe you could just ship that to us." I know the intent was to reimburse me for the shipping, but I don't have that kind of time. It involves packing up boxes of stuff and then hauling it to UPS. The suggestion was to have UPS do a pick-up but I had to remind that I work all day and can't sit at home waiting for a UPS truck.

I'm giving them another week to give me a definitive time frame, then it's off to Goodwill with the whole kit and kaboodle.

Case #2 - I received an e-mail that said there was a young man desperately looking for a new living situation. yada yada yada......I offered the cabana (the person who WAS going to take it this month no longer needs to) and we spoke on the phone Tuesday. He said he was going to come by Wednesday between 6-7 PM to look at it. No show. No call. I know I'm a complete stranger, but when a complete stranger offers to help you out of a bind, then you could at least call and say, "Thanks. I no longer need it."

It's just good manners.

Who's training whom?

Dog training update:
I'm back to ignoring the dogs. I played with them this week and gave them undeserved, unearned attention. Now they are taking me for granted so I have to ignore them other than walks, food and commands. My own fault; I take full responsibility. I just needed some doggie love too.

After church, I took Queso over to a new doggie park. The rule was that he needed to sit on command before he could go in; he didn't. We stood at the gate, I said "Sit!" He backed up and looked at me as if to say, "WHAAAAT?" I counted to 10 and then made him leave. We'll try again tomorrow.

Guava's homework was to go to an outdoor seating area (we chose Starbucks) and "sit/down/stay" for 30 minutes. She got up at 10 and it was a struggle to get her down and start over. Then she made it to 20 before she was distracted and got up. Then 25 minutes into the 3rd try, a man walking by wanted to pet her. She stayed down. He tried to get her to jump up and I had to tell him not to, but it didn't matter; she stayed down. For 30 minutes! Tomorrow we have to work on "Heel" again.

I sure hope they pass their tests in 3 weeks!

Back on track

Today proved to be a more productive (and therefore encouraging) day. Did some "homework" with both dogs, got some groceries, dropped a few boxes off to Goodwill, met with my AdvoCare team (and made some good $$), came home and swam 30 minutes, graded some work for school and am now falling asleep! I'll have a great night's rest, I'm sure.

Mulligan on the week

Things were moving along quite swimmingly for a few months and then this week hiccuped. It started REALLY well as we were off school Monday and I spent the entire day catching up on errands and projects around the house. By Wednesday I was tired, unmotivated and just bleh. I hadn't practiced with the dogs for school, so their last session was disappointing. I was behind on school stuff, then a deadline hit me in the face. I wasn't exercising so my health goals were backsliding. My AdvoCare business wasn't developing as steadily as I'd liked. My previous tenants were STILL trying to figure out how they were going to move their belongings out of the cabana, almost 3 months after they moved back north while I was trying to get the cabana ready for someone who needed it in 2 weeks. The roofer finally billed me for the final payment, but my paycheck still didn't reflect my raise and extra supplements. Thursday, a boat swamped during sailing practice with two kids on it and then I got to my car to find not only a flat tire, but a flat spare as well. I just couldn't seem to get a solid grip on anything. OH, and there is a full moon tonight. No coincidence, I'm sure.

The good thing is that setbacks are only temporary. As long as I keep that in perspective, it's all good. I HAVE been working consistently with the dogs for over 9 months, so this one week of slacking can be overcome. My school deadline is do-able because I did prep work for it a month ago. I can start running/swimming again today AND I learned that swimming at night with the moon and the patio lights is just as good as swimming in the daylight. The AdvoCare business is moving forward because I've been putting steady hours into it every week and that consistency is paying off. I've got two people moving to the Advisor level this afternoon and my 2 week check will be twice as much as any I've received before. The tenants are taking care of getting their stuff and it looks like the new tenant isn't coming after all. My last paycheck was finally accurate and I'm able to work on a new budget for the year.

Tiger Woods has practiced his golf game his entire life. If he has a bad tee-off, he's entitled to a mulligan. I think I'll take on on this week and hope I won't need another for quite some time.

As for this afternoon, I'm taking Queso to the park to practice, then Guava to Starbucks for her homework. Then I'm meeting with my AdvoCare team to help them with their business (which ultimately helps mine). Then I'm setting my goals to get through the week. Wish me luck.

Just keep swimming

Although I'm still pondering whether to train for the ING Miami Half Marathon again (and the 13.1 a month later) I've been swimming laps in my OWN pool quite a bit. It helps take the stress out of my shoulders and I end with some water stability core-strengthening exercises. (Think "stability ball moves in the water.") I find it much easier to meditate while swimming that running and I can do 30 solid minutes with ease. I can probably do more, but that's about all the time I can squeeze out of my day at the moment. My buddy "Clown" has done 2 triathalons in the last month or so and is urging me to do one. I just need a new bike to do that.

For now, I'll stick to running and swimming.

Near Perfect Day

Yesterday was a fantastic day. First - church at Calvary Chapel Miami Beach. I love the straight ahead "Here's what the bible says" approach. Pastor Robert doesn't hold back on controversial topics, but he doesn't preach from a bully pulpit, either. It's a "real (,) Christian" church. (real, Christian OR real Christian - the comma is optional).

When I got home, I took the Pastelitos for a walk then loaded them up to go to the Great Grove Bed Race. Coconut Grove used to be the center of wackiness years ago, but got a little too "high brow" for it's own good. Luckily there are some natives who are committed to turning that around! Between the Bed Races and the King Mango Strut, the Grove is still my favorite part of Miami. Oh, and that's where my school is and I live very close. Doesn't get any better.

I didn't stay for the whole set of races. It was quite hot and sunny (after 3 days of rain - another good thing!) and I didn't think the Pastelitos should suffer. They were QUITE well behaved, although restless from the crowds. Queso was his usual confident self, going up to greet every strange person and dog that he saw. He got snapped at by unfriendly dogs more than once. It didn't really phase him much. I still don't understand why people take unsocialized, unfriendly dogs out to events where there are LOTS of other people and dogs.

Guava still worries me a little; she's timid in most strange situations. Her tail was down between her legs all day. I sat on a curb at one point and she climbed in my lap - all 65 pounds of her. She wasn't whiny and underfoot - just guarded. She DID impress me whenever children wanted to pet her. She would just sit down and not move a muscle. I got many compliments on their demeanor and when I mentioned that they will be 1 year old in a week, many people were surprised. They don't act like puppies.

When we got home, it was pool time. I did a quick cleaning of the pool, then 30 minutes of laps. The Pastelitos were EXHAUSTED and slept for the rest of the day. I wanted to force them into the pool but didn't have the heart. After my swim, I laid down on the chaise lounge and we all took a long nap in the yard. I got a glimpse of what their days must be like while I'm at work and they have to stay outside; it's not so bad!

After dinner, I sat down to watch the first part of Dr. Zhivago. I'd never seen it. I accidentally watched the 2nd half on Friday. (It's a double-sided disc.) I finished it and said to myself, "I don't get it." Then I realized what I'd done. After last night, it makes SO much more sense!

Now it's Labor Day. Another beautiful day outside. I am planning on working in the yard, but not as hard as a month ago when I really overdid it! Just an hour or so. Then a swim, then some school stuff. I've vowed in the last few years NEVER to work at home, but I'm feeling a little unsettled by the amount of things on my to-do list and figured if I can spend some time evenings and weekends getting through it all, I'll feel better able to stay on top of things for the rest of the year.