Mikhail speaks

Here's what the Herald had to say about Mr. Gorbachev's visit yesterday. I especially love the commentary that readers have left.

"Mother Tells It" Overture

THIS is probably one of the funniest things I have seen in a LONG time. I'm now making it a mission to do the "teacher" version!

Jerkface parents

Dear (Admissions Director),

Mr. (jerkface) was the man who was dropping off bagels and blocking your car this morning as you were trying to leave to get to the US. He was VERY rude to me when I said, “Excuse me, sir, but you are blocking Mrs. (Admissions Director) who has to get to a VERY important presentation at the Upper School.” His response was that we ALL have important things to do and ALL of our time is valuable. I didn't have the heart to tell him that YOU had a meeting with Mikhail Gorbachev, but I DID refrain from punching him in the face!

(Her response - "You are TOO cute!")

on NOT meeting Mikhail

Wasn't sure that I could say who, but everyone is talking about it, since he's here (well, at the other campus) today. And NO, the middle schoolers are not allowed to attend. Neither are their teachers.

Not that I would know what to wear when meeting the former Soviet Premiere.

To me, the coolest thing is that our 7th grade students do a living "wax" museum every year. They act out an important event in history, and then freeze in the famous photo that captured the moment. One of the current 10th graders actually portrayed Ronald Reagan during his "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down that wall!" speech. Now that kid gets to sit in the audience and watch Mr. Gorbachev talk.

How COOL is that?

Damage assessment

Sooooo....seems as though Buster's little bump (Buster is my Powerbook; remember he had a little tumble on Friday) caused his wireless card to get jiggly. Then in checking the card, the antennae got ALL FUBAR and disconnected. The kind people at the Apple store told me (after I waited over an hour for the appointment I had made) that it would be $650 and that it wouldn't be worth it and just buy a new one. The "other" Apple repair guys in town said minimum $65 just to look at it, but that it wouldn't be worth it and just buy a new one. My friends keep telling me "it's not worth it; just buy a new one."

What part of "I DON'T WANT A $1200 NEW ONE. I JUST WANT TO FIX THE ONE I HAVE" is not being communicated clearly? While I would LOVE to just upgrade a get a new one, I'm a little short on cash lately.

ENTER PowerBookMedic.com who told me that although it IS the most difficult repair, the part is $50 and they'll do it for $100. Dude even said I could print the "self-help" manual and try it myself, but there are about 100 screws and the antennae has to go UNDER the motherboard, yada yada yada. I tend to get my monkey in trouble when I try to do that stuff myself, so Buster is going on a trip to Alabama this week.

Insult to F-ing Injury

As if today didn't completely and totally suck enough air already, my computer took a little tumble off the table after school. I'm supposed to judge a squillion honor band auditions via the web in the next week and my wireless card just bit it.

Bing's Law of "Why Bother?"

"Since recognition of a job well done is rarely based upon whether the job was actually done well or not, who freakin' cares?"

-Bing
9/28/07

Bing's Lunar Law

"The closer the moon is to its FULL phase, the more the freakin' idiots around you will show their incompetence."

- Bing
9/28/07

Bing's Law

"The harder you work and the more competent you are, the more you are surrounded by freakin' idiots!"

- Bing
9/28/07

Rules For The Blues

After reading Rule #15, I must hereafter be addressed as ADHD Guava Fillmore

---------------------------------------------
Rules For The Blues

1) Most blues begin "woke up this mornin'."
2) You can't use "Got a good woman" to start a blues unless you insert something nasty in the next line.
· Got a good woman
· with the meanest dog in town
3) Blues are simple. After you have that first line, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of.
· Got a good woman
· with the meanest dog in town
· Got a good woman
· with the meanest dog in town
· He got teeth like Maggie Thatcher
· and he weighs 'bout 500 pounds.
4) The blues are NOT about limitless choice.
5) Appropriate blues transportation includes Chevies, Cadillacs, Greyhound buses and southbound trains.
6) Walkin' is a major part of the blues lifestyle as is fixin' to die.
7) You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression. Chicago, Saint Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues.
8) The following colors do not belong in the blues:
· Violet
· Beige
· Mauve
9) You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong.
10) Good locations for the blues:
· The highway
· The jailhouse
· The empty bed
10a) Bad locations for the blues:
· The Gap
· Gallery openings
· Weekends at the beach
11) No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit unless you are an old black man.
12) You have a right to sing the blues if:
· Your first name is a southern state (Georgia)
· You're blind
· You shot a man in Memphis
· You can't be satisfied
12a) You DON'T have a right to sing the blues if:
· You were once blind but now can see
· You're deaf
· You have a trust fund
13) If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues. Other blues beverages are:
· Wine
· Irish whiskey
· Muddy water
13a) Blues beverages are NOT:
· Any mixed drink
· Any wine kosher for Passover
· Yoo Hoo
14) Appropriate blues deaths include:
· Cheap motels
· Shotgun shacks
· Stabbed in the back
· Electric chair
· Substance abuse
14a) Death during liposuction treatments is NOT an acceptable blues death.
15) Creating a blues name:
· Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic)
· First name or name of fruit (Willie, Bessie, Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, Melon)
· Last name of a U S President
Example - Cripple Lemon Clinton
15a) People with names like Sequoia or Sierra will not be permitted to sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
16) Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means you're old enough to get the electric chair for shooting a man in Memphis.

BIG deal

I just found out there is going to be a guest speaker at our high school next week. It hasn't been announced publicly yet, so I'm not at liberty to divulge that information, but it's a BIG deal. BIG BIG deal. VERY cool big deal....stay tuned

"You can assume alcohol was involved," he said.....

PORTLAND, Ore. — Snake collector Matt Wilkinson of Portland grabbed a 20-inch rattler from the highway near Maupin, and three weeks later, to impress his ex-girlfriend, he stuck the serpent in his mouth.
He was soon near death with a swollen tongue that blocked his throat. Trauma doctors at the Oregon Health and Science University saved his life.

"You can assume alcohol was involved," he said. Actually, not just beer. It was something he called a "mixture of stupid stuff."

Chicken vs. egg, part 2

I was just telling a friend about my lunchtime dilemma and she told me a joke:

"There was a chicken and an egg, lying in bed, smoking a cigarette. And the question was..."

I stopped her there. I said that would be sort of incestuous or pedophilic or something....

Ahoy, mateys!

COMPLETELY forgot that it was "Talk Like a Pirate Day" today. This of all the fun I could have had with my students today!

Lunchtime dilemma

Today at lunch, we had chicken wings, but there were also hard boiled eggs on the salad bar. I took both, but then I couldn't decide which should be eaten first - the chicken or the egg?

Flushed away

I made the comment to someone the other day that my faith seems to be in the toilet lately. They didn't really know how to handle that. Don't really care - I'm just being honest. Sorry if that makes some of you uncomfortable.

Does God care that I'm feeling a little selfishly unhappy right now? I'm not so sure. I think He cares whether I'm trying to be like Jesus, or if I'm trying to introduce others to Him, or if my heart hurts for those around the world who don't know Him or worse, have rejected Him. But does He care about my day-to-day dissatisfaction with my life? Hmmmm...I think He wants to slap me around a little bit and treat me like the selfish brat that I am. But hey, those of you who've been following my journey will be happy to know that I've graduated from the 4 year old "throw a temper tantrum in the middle of the store" brat to the 14 year old "belligerent, hormone-raging adolescent who hates the world and everything in it."

Oh, and the whole "prosperity gospel" - if you ask, you'll get. If you haven't gotten yet, you haven't prayed hard enough or haven't been specific enough or "Christian" enough or honest enough....that's pretty much a load of crap, too. God promises us salvation if we put our lives in His son Jesus' hands. That's pretty much ALL we're promised. Everything else that's GOOD is a gift. Everything that sucks...well, that's life. It's what we really deserve in the first place.

Right now, I'm in the middle of "Life".....it's feeling pretty sucky!

Now, now...before you start getting all gossipy "Let's talk about Bing so we can pray for her" or Pollyanna "Everything's gonna be fine" on me, remember the original purpose of the Bing Blog: to let those who know me and care to read it get a look at what's going on inside my skull. It's not always fun and games and pretty. Sometimes it's dark and twisted. I'm just trying to be real.

It's just a phase. It'll pass.

Transformers vs. God

Elias: Well, as it turns out, cars and trucks that turn into robots aren’t really that blasphemous, because my pastors says that machines can turn into other machines, and it’s not a slight against God.

Randal: Transformers are a total slight against God inasmuch as God sent His only begotten son to die on the cross to redeem mankind and all we did to pay him back was make terrible fucking cartoons like the Transformers.

Elias: Well, ‘cause at Bible camp, we made this flow chart which kind of like, proved or whatever, that since God created Man and man created Transformers, the Transformers are a gift from God, Randal.

Randal: No sir. They are not a gift from God. They are an unholy curse from the Beast we call the desolate one.
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Clerks 2

Don’t Drink the Strychnine

If you read your bible and believe the Word is truth
The good Lord in his mercy might sheath the serpents tooth.
But if you’re bound for glory and you stumble on the trail
The poison will take you faster than the serpent will.

So, don’t drink the strychnine if you ain’t livin’ right.
If you’re lost out in the darkness you’ll be blinded by the light.
If you believe in Jesus, believe with all your might.
But don’t drink the strychnine if you ain’t livin’ right.

The time will surely come when you’ll be asked to test your faith.
And you might be tempted to take a little taste.
Although you may be holy and your intentions may be pure.
Don’t drink the strychnine ‘til you’re absolutely sure.

So, don’t drink the strychnine if you ain’t livin’ right.
If you’re lost out in the darkness you’ll be blinded by the light.
If you believe in Jesus, believe with all your might.
But don’t drink the strychnine if you ain’t livin’ right.

The Laws of the Crown

Have you every actually READ the inside of a Burger King crown? I have – I know, SHOCKER!

A) Adjust size and be the first to place on head.
B) Whoever places the Crown on his or her head first, then in a loud voice proclaims, “I am the King” is from that moment forward, in charge. Rule ends if Crown is removed (see Coup d’etat). Crownings can happen anywhere, at any time.

ADVANCED PLAY
1. There can only be one King.
2. The King always gets his/her own way.
3. The King must speak with some kind of cool accent.
4. The King makes all the important decisions governing selection of TV channels, movies, radio stations, as well as popular activities like snowboarding, poll hopping and cow tipping. The King also determines who gets the remote, who rides “shotgun’ and, of course, who pays.
5. Rule ends when Crown is removed for more than 3 seconds (see Three Second Law).
6. Disagreement with the King results in a “penalty.” This is decided by the King. Common penalties include: forfeiture of fries, surrender of video game controller and banishment from office cubicle.

THREE SECOND LAW
The King’s rule ends when the Crown is removed from their head for any reason, accidental or otherwise. The first person to exclaim, “One…Two…Three…King!” may claim the Crown.

IN THE EVENT OF A TIE
If two people Crown themselves King simultaneously, the person whose birth date is closest to Dec. 4, 1954 (date the first BURGER KING restaurant opened) is King.

COUP D’ETAT
If everyone agrees you completely stink as King, your rule may be renounced. This constitutes a Coup d’etat. A new King may be Crowned if the group can reach a unanimous decision. If not, the Three Second Law applies.

KINGDOM
If you are eating in a BURGER KING restaurant, your rule extends all the way to the edge of the parking lot. Off restaurant grounds, your rule extends to a radius of 10 feet around you in any direction.

WARNING: This Burger King crown is made of paper. Your rule may end prematurely if crown is exposed to water or flame.

Toughen up, kid!

got this e-mail from G today....this was an actual conversation he heard at school today!

-------------------------------------------
Just heard a conversation in the faculty lounge that you might get a kick out of…..a dean was talking to a teacher, apparently about a kid who was crying in her Spanish class. (I can’t remember if it was a boy or girl they were referring to, but I’ll just say “he” to refer to the student.)

The dean asked, “What are you just going to make him cry again?”

The teacher replied, “I guess so.”

Dean: “Are you going to have him crying in your class all the time?”

Teacher: “Look, I can’t help it if he’s that sensitive. He’s going to have to learn…”

Dean: “But, all he did was give a wrong answer to a question, and he said you gave him a mean look.”

Teacher: “Then put him in another class.” (in frustration)

Dean: “But you’re the nicest one in the department!”

SO many layers!

Got a call from my sister yesterday. Well, actually, her 9 year old daughter called and left me a message to call her. When I did, she told me "Mommy's having a baby!" and then handed the phone to my sister. This is the same sister who told me 2 years ago that she's too busy to call me.

Am I supposed to be excited for her? I ain't really feelin' it at the moment.

This whole situation (and how I'm feeling about it) is like an onion. It has SO many layers. It ain't like a parfait - a parfait has many layers, and everybody LOVES a parfait. Not everybody loves onions.

I need a day off!

It's Monday and I'm exhausted! I drove to Orlando with Lamburrito on Saturday afternoon. His sister took her girls to the Christian Music Night of Faith event at Magic Kingdom and we met them there, hung out a bit, went to see the play Cupid and Psyche, and drove back yesterday. I didn't run AT ALL this weekend, nor did I "spark" it up, so my body is in protest. I started today with back-to-back meetings, and didn't have time to really get my work done to start the week off. Plus the kids forget everything over the weekend so Mondays are all about retraining them. All in all, trash collecting sounds like a much better occupation at this particular moment.

When the devil calls collect

Well, technically, they are.

So Thursday night was "Back to School" night where the parents come and follow their child's schedule and meet all the teachers. I got to hear the guitar teacher tell his groups that he was "certified" in Harness discussion procedures (which is lost on you if you don't work at my school) and then asked them to discuss this topic: If aliens landed on our planet, what one song would you play for them as the "definitive" American rock and roll song.

Many of the parents said just as quietly and patiently as the fruit of their loins do every morning. Some offered good ideas and insights. The highlight of the evening was when Mr. Harkness himself said his personal choice might have to be something from the Beatles or the Rolling Stones. After about 30 seconds of dead silence, one of the parents asked, "Aren't they British?'

My tongue still hurts from where I about bit through it to keep from laughing!

Schoolhouse ROCKS!

Our school does a musical every fall. The Middle School and Upper School alternate years. This year it’s the middle school’s turn. I found out last week that we’re doing “Schoolhouse Rocks!” but I couldn’t say anything until it was announced today. When it was, I started applauding like mad then realized that I was THE ONLY PERSON doing so. This was in the auditorium during announcements; the place was packed with 7th and 8th graders. The moment was lost on them.

I WANNA BE CONJUNCTION JUNCTION!

Anyone? Anyone?

Today the guitar teacher was trying to get his 8th grade students to name famous American composers. He prompted them with first names, and waited for the last names. It was like Ferris Bueller’s Day Off at one point –
Him: “Aaron? Anyone? Anyone?
Kids: (UNCONCSIOUS)
Him: Copeland……Aaron Copeland.”

Him: “Richard? Anyone? Anyone?
Kids: (DROOLING IN PATTERNS ON THEIR MUSIC STANDS)
Him: Rodgers….Richard Rodgers.”

The part where I spit my mouthful of coffee across the room in a fit of giggles was this one:
Him: “Leonard?
Kids: (LOUDLY and in UNISON) SKYNARD!

Your OTHER left

This is the time of year when I get to teach my darling beginning band students how to put their instruments together, take care of them properly, and ultimate, play with a tone quality that won’t make the dog hide under the bed for the next 6 months. Today’s woodwind class went something like this:
“OK, saxes and flutes, you’ll need to read through page 2 and 3 SILENTLY while I work with the clarinets on putting their instruments together. You DO know the meaning of the word “SILENT,” right? Then why are you talking, sir? Oh, you AREN’T talking. Excuse me. I just saw your lips moving and sounds were coming out. I mistakenly took your demon possession for talking. So sorry!”
NOW – clarinets, you’ve done really well putting your reeds on the mouthpiece and even adding the barrel, and we’ve gotten some pretty good tones on just that much. Unfortunately, your parents paid good money for the instrument and I think they’ll be disappointed if we don’t use ALL of it, so against my better judgment and ignoring the effect this will have on my sanity, here we go.
OK – do you see the piece in your case that has corks on BOTH ends? That’s the upper joint. (No, Sam. We’re NOT going to grease the corks again. I know you have REALLY enjoyed doing that, and I know you’re really good at it, but let’s move forward, shall we?) OK, I want you to pick up the upper joint in your left hand. No, your LEFT hand. No, your OTHER left hand. No….not THAT piece. The other one. Right. NO, your LEFT hand……Is everybody with me? Flutes, could you stop with the head joint work right now? I’m working with the clarinets. Thanks."

Well, I think you kind of get the picture. I won’t even mention the brass/percussion class. It involves sticks. That’s just too much for right now. Tomorrow is Parent’s Night. I’m supposed to talk to each class of parents for 10 minutes. I think I’m just going to videotape class and play it for them. That’ll pretty much sum it all up for them.

That explains EVERYTHING!

We got news the other day that the husband of our school's founder passed away. Yesterday, the paper had a long, detailed obituary and highlighted the fact that he was a nudist. NOW I understand why watching pornography at school isn't a problem. It's keeping with tradition!

My bio

This is the bio that D made for me (well, I wrote it; he put in the pretty pictures). We used it to introduce me when I taught theory and sight-singing to some of his church musicians last week. I put it up in my classroom, but where the kids can't really see it.

The Baconator

Remember how I love bacon, and remember how D made me a sign that says “bacon” when he picked Tia and I up at the airport in Vegas for Thanksgiving and remember how I put that sign up in my office and how every so often, someone will come into my office and ask me “Why do you have a sign that says ‘bacon’ and I have to explain the whole silly story again, and while it makes ME giggle tremendously, nobody else seems to get it? Well, I now have a 6th grade student that gets it. One of the assignments I gave to the kids last week was to send me an e-mail from our webpage link so that I got check all of the e-mail links. I told them to put their name in the subject line, since many of them have e-mails that give NO clue as to the sender. I said they could put whatever they wanted in the text of the e-mail, like “You’re the best teacher ever!” or “I hope you’re having a great day.” Or “Thank you for not beating me up today.” (Remember – I’m also the dean!) Well, one of my new little trumpet players sent me her e-mail. When I opened it, it said “bacon.”

This COULD be a very interesting year!

Just the facts, ma’am

Fact: I’ve put in TONS of extra hours at school over the past 18 years, mostly because it was needed to get the job done well.
Fact: Nobody seems to notice or care if I do.
Fact: I’ve never watched porn on my computer at school.
Fact: I’ve never had a letter of commendation read at a faculty meeting for all the extra things I do to help band students and their directors around the district, state and country.
Fact: My day now begins ends promptly at my contracted times: 7:30 AM - 3:45 PM unless I’m getting paid extra to stay later.

Will run for love

Got this from La Fleur today….cracked me UP. If you find me the guy, darlin’, I will run him to Vegas and get hitched WITH Elvis officiating!

(PS - click on the picture to make it bigger so you can read it.)

Brownie conspiracy

I talked to Precious tonight. Seems while I was helping D with his church worship arts retreat weekend in Orlando this weekend, she was attending her church retreat in St. Louis.
She was talking about the fact that they had lots of yummy treats to eat but that there was a batch of brownies that were just AWFUL. I started laughing because D and I had the same experience. So not only was it National “Church Retreat” weekend, it was “bad church brownies at the retreat” weekend. Thankfully, it only happens once a year.

Let the countdown begin

New Year’s Eve is 125 days away!
New Year’s Eve is 125 days away!
New Year’s Eve is 125 days away!
New Year’s Eve is 125 days away!
New Year’s Eve is 125 days away!
New Year’s Eve is 125 days away!
New Year’s Eve is 125 days away!

Details to follow! Start booking your flights, and make your reservations for “The Cabana” now! Space is limited!

Alternate Fairy-Tale Endings

Alternate Fairy-Tale Endings to Take the Place of "And they lived happily ever after."

BY SABRINA ABBOTT

- - - -

And they barely tolerated each other.

And they stayed together because of the kids.

And their contempt for one another occasionally spilled over at family gatherings, prompting moments of uncomfortable silence.

And they expressed their unhappiness through passive-aggressive toilet-seat positioning.

Do YOU have talent?

Dear Precious,

D and I are watching "America's Got Talent" (which it really doesn't, but the show sells commercials, therefore it exists) and we're watching a ventriloquist's dummy singing a duet with Kermit the Frog (because the ventriloquist isn't singing himself - I'm watching his lips and they aren't moving!).

I told him that ventriloquists scare me; he told me you are a ventriloquist, which I think I remember, but I think I forgot. I've decided that New Year's may have to be "Bing's friends have talent by the pool." What do you think?

Maybe it's the merlot talking, but I think this e-mail would make a great post.

You’ll never make the team

Heard in class today:
Student 1: I’m trying out for the swim team.
Teacher: Don’t drown; you’ll never make the team if you drown.
Student 2: No, but the school will still make your parents pay for your books.

Ummmm….ok, it was REALLY funny at the time. Trust me.

Dean meetings that leave you spinning

School started this week. We had a meeting with the grade level deans. Remember, I am in charge of disciplining the 7th graders when they misbehave. Takes one to know one, I guess.
Anyway, we met in the principal’s office and when the assistant principal came in, there were no conference chairs left, so he went to find one. The 6th grade dean told the principal “He could use your desk chair” to which I responded “Why should HE get a chair that spins when the rest of us are forced to sit still?” (Again with the lack of filter for my thoughts!) My principal chuckled and said “Somehow, that’s a comment only YOU would make.

I’m not sure what her point was…..

Homemade cards and late birthdays

I finally got the card that my techno-peasant mom made me for my birthday (which was July 1). Remember when she sent it, it got a little lost because she put the wrong address on it. Anyway, she was SO proud of it. Seems as her friend gave her a program so she could make these really fancy cards on the computer, so she made one for me. The only problem is that the only designs on it are for Christmas cards. She made one for my birthday with snowmen and candy canes anyway. Sounds like something I might…….

OH MY GOSH! I’M TURNING INTO MY MOTHER!

Defying the laws…

I made REALLY good time on my last drive back from visiting D in Orlando, after our trip to San Francisco. After I called and left him a message saying I made it safely (and quickly), here was his voicemail reply:

D: “ OK, making really good time could be on something like if you take a test and you got done really quickly. Some things you can’t rush. It’s just the nature of the law of physics. Like cooking something at…it has a certain amount of time it takes - at 350, it takes 20 minutes or things like that. Driving THAT far – the speed limit and the law of physics says that it will take 3 1/2 to 4 hours. Now THAT part depends on traffic. But to get there in less than THREE hours - now, that means that you did not obey the traffic laws. That’s what THAT means because there’s no way to physically do that unless you transported yourself there and I don’t think that you can do that. So obviously you were eating sugar. OBVIOUSLY! You were eating sugar and driving. I know that your vision probably gets blurred so you probably didn’t see the speed limit signs or you didn’t notice how fast you were going to realize you were being a bit excessive.
OK, so.. glad you made it home safely. Talk to you soon. I’m just getting home from the gym. I figured you would be home about now. I didn’t know you have been there AN HOUR AGO!

His messages always make me laugh, and I end up saving them for months. Then I can replay them when I need a giggle.

If I die….

Our school provides a life insurance policy at no cost to all teachers. The benefit (if you die) is one year’s salary OR $50,000, whichever is less. That is to help your family recover from your death, make funeral arrangements and supplement the family income. I get that. I think that’s a really good thing.
The school is also offering SUPPLEMENTAL life insurance so that death benefit (I know it sounds weird, but isn’t that really what it is?) can go up to as much as $100K. The cost is really minimal and if you sign on now, there is no physical, etc. I get that, too, and I think that’s also a really good benefit IF YOU NEED IT.
One of the teachers asked me if I was going to take advantage of it. My response was (and I didn’t mean to sound sarcastic or morbid; it was just my observation) “I don’t have a family to worry about leaving any money TO. Why do I need it?” It took him back a little, but I asked again (and my principal was there, too) “Correct me if I’m wrong, but life insurance is to help your family recover when you die? Isn’t that the purpose?”

Am I wrong?

Working with a difficult boss

Roger: I was reading through my employee benefits, and it says I’m entitled to meet with a government counselor. I’d like to meet with a counselor.
Sergeant: You’re looking at him.
Roger: What do you mean?
Sergeant: I’m the assigned counselor for District 240. I figure, hey, why not take the bump on the paycheck? Besides, I’m redoing my kitchen. Don’t worry. I took the quiz.
I’m certified.
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Sergeant: Roger, this happens to be one of the most beautiful letters I have ever read. But I’m not that way.
Roger: I didn’t write the letter.
Sergeant: Please! You signed it, it has your return address on it, and you sealed it with a unicorn.
Roger: Can’t you see? I’m being set up.
Sergeant: That would be quite an elaborate setup, don’t you think?
Roger: No, not really. All you need is a stamp and a unicorn sticker.

From "School for Scoundrels" starring Billy Bob Thornton and John Heder. The cover says it's "Bad Santa meets Napoleon Dynamite." It is.

Distinguished Faculty

Our opening of school meetings today were punctuated by two rousing instances of accolades and commendations for one of our most valued and respected teachers. Yes, indeed - the one, the only.....Mr. McFeely!

Check please! I think I'm going to hurl!

Computer Haikus

We had a faculty training for our new electronic gradebook program today. As usually, my ADD kicked in and I got restless and bored. I believe one of the text messages I sent to Tia was "Guess what? My chair spins!"

ANYWAY - here are some interesting computer haikus that were posted in the computer lab. I hope you enjoy them.

Please enjoy Haiku
error messages displayed
laughing may ensue
-----------------------------
your file was so big.
It might be very useful
But now it is gone
-----------------------------
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Sceen. Mind. Both are blank.
-----------------------------
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death
No one hears your screams.
-----------------------------
Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.
-----------------------------
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

Hail to the Pizza

"Pizza's my buffalo. You see, the Sioux had the buffalo. I've got pizza. It provides for all needs. I acknowledge its gifts. Keeping it simple in a complex world."

Matt in the movie "Pizza" - a new "must see."

Family Vacations

Mommie Dearest called last week to tell me that the whole family is going on a cruise for Spring Break. Well, except my older brother because he doesn't exist anymore. Oh, AND my younger brother, because "we're" not speaking to him. Oh, and me, because my spring break is 2 weeks AFTER my niece's.

Bon Voyage!

Back in Training

So I started running again. I'm doing the Miami ING Half Marathon again in January. This time my goal is to finish in 2 1/2 hours, lose 20 pounds AND be a complete and total hottie by the Miami AquaCinema Karoake Pool Party New Year's Eve Extravaganza. Precious said she's join me in the journey, so make that Hottie Squared. Then we are going to order up 2 hotties of our own to start 2008. Does that sound like a plan? I think so!

On Lonliness

"The whole conviction of my life now rests on the belief that lonliness, far from being a rare and curious phenomenom, is the central and inevitable fact of human existence."

-Thomas Wolfe, "God's Lonely Man"

-----------------------
I saw this quote while watching a documentary on the making of "Taxi Driver." I think there may be a little Travis Bickle in all of us.

The Birthday fun continues...

Remember THIS? Well, the fun continues. Mommie Dearest called me a few weeks ago to ask if I had received the HANDMADE birthday card she sent me in the mail. I told her no and she got REALLY upset; she was so excited for me to see it. She said she was going to go to the post office to see if they could track it, not understanding that if you stick a stamp on it and let it go, it enters the USPS abyss and if it disappears, you're just left wondering.

She called yesterday to say that it was returned to her as undeliverable. Seems she got my address wrong.

GOD, she kills me!

Job Assignment Procedure

How to Properly Place NEW EMPLOYEES:
1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.
4. Then analyze the situation:

a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.
b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.
c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.
d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.
e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.
f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology
h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.
i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.
j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Marketing.
k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.
l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.
m. Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Congress

Also heard on a plane....

Setting; On a 3 hour plane ride, right after I ingested large amounts of sugar.

D: (to the flight attendant passing by) Excuse me. I hate her. (pointing at me)

I sense a movie script formulating.

Heard on a Plane

Me: OW!
D: What did you do?
Me: I scratched myself in the eye.
D: How did you do that?
Me: Like this: (scratched myself in the eye AGAIN!)
D: You see, THAT'S what scares me about you!

Sugar Monkey Takes SF

Just returned from my visit to San Francisco. Sorry I didn't post while I was gone, but we just had SO much fun and laughed hard the whole time. I'll try to translate some of the most poignant moments here later, but it may not work. You just had to be there.

The biggest "take-away" from the trip is that D was fully exposed to my sugar intake habit. My new name is "Sugar Monkey." That pretty much says it all.

The Hormone Guide

Women will understand this! Men should memorize it!

Every woman knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or significant other!

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Wow, you sure look good in brown!
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine.

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's my paycheck.
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine.

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine.

The Un-Fairy Tale

Once upon a time
in a land far away,
a beautiful, independent,
self-assured princess
happened upon a frog as she sat
contemplating ecological issues
on the shores of an unpolluted pond
in a verdant meadow near her castle.
~~~~~~~~
The frog hopped into the princess' lap
and said: " Elegant Lady,
I was once a handsome prince,
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
~~~~~~~~
One kiss from you, however,
and I will turn back
into the dapper, young prince that I am
and then, my sweet, we can marry
and set up housekeeping in your castle ,
with my mother,
where you can prepare my meals,
clean my clothes, be ar my children,
and forever feel
grateful and happy doing so. "
~~~~~~~~
That night,
as the princess dined sumptuously
on lightly sauteed frog legs
seasoned in a white wine
and onion cream sauce,
she chuckled and thought to herself:
I don't freakin' think so!!

Off again!

It's time for me to run some last minute errands, then drive up to Orlando to visit D. On Thursday, he and I are heading to San Francisco to see Mer's show and have some fun. It's my last little escape before school starts up in full swing. I'll keep you posted from the west coast if I can.

A Universal Treat!

"See, this is Pez. Candy. You see, you eat it. You put the candy in here, and then, when you lift up the head, the candy comes out and then you can eat it. You want some?"

-Elliott to E.T

ENOUGH!

Raise your hand if you feel the same way!

I need a light sabre!

THIS will solve ALL of my problems in the band room this year!

New Poll format

Blogger has their own poll format. (See left) I don't think I like it. So here's the old way.

When the termite guy says he'll be there 1-2 PM on Monday, July 23, he REALLY means
	12:30 PM
	between 1 and 2 PM
	3:00 PM
	Tuesday
	Monday of NEXT week
	Monday, July 23, 2012
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Delightfully confused

So....

If a guy calls to meet you for a drink on Saturday and before you finish the evening, asks to see you on Sunday, and then on Sunday says, "Let's get together for dinner one day this week" is that a GOOD thing?

I'll keep you posted.

Life and Relationships

"There's an old joke. Two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort. One says, 'The food at this place is really terrible.' The other says, 'I know, and such small portions.'

That's essentially how I feel about life, full of lonliness, misery, suffering and unhappiness. And it's all over much too quickly."

-------------------------------
"This guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, 'Doc, my brother's crazy. He thinks he's a chicken.' The doctor says, 'Why don't you turn him in?' He says, 'I can't. I need the eggs.'

Well, I guess that's how I feel about relationships. They're totally irrational, crazy and absurd. But I guess we keep going through it because most of us need the eggs."

-Alvy Singer (Woody Allen) in "Annie Hall"

Movie Madness

The advantage of having all this free time in the summer is that I'm cruising through the AFI Top 100 Movies of All Time list. I'm a little out of order because Lackluster.com doesn't have everything I need, nor do they come to my mailbox in order. I gave up my OCD tendencies about it and just watch them as they come.

The dilemma is that when I finish, the AFI just did a 10th anniversary edition of the Top 100 list. Should I just watch the ones that got added, or do I have to watch them ALL over again, from #100 to #1? (There's the OCD again.)

I may need a break from the drama, though and might switch to the Top 100 Funniest Movies instead. Then again, there are some repeats on that list, too.

I'm all caught up!

Hey! I bet you didn't notice that I upgraded The Bing Blog layout and lost the Poll o' the Week. Here are the results of the last one:
-----------------------
Now that BDSAC is over, I think Bing should....

sleep 67% 4 votes
sleep 0% 0 votes
sleep 0% 0 votes
sleep 0% 0 votes
sleep 33% 2 votes

6 votes total
----------------------
You'll be happy to know that I'm caught up on my sleep. Now I'm trying to catch up on yard work, pool maintenance, home repairs, finances and all the other fun things that pile up while you're on vacation.

Oh, and I'm going to try and fix the poll settings now.

Seeing Daylight

"My dad had the right idea. He had it all worked out. he used to say to me, 'Son, don't miss the wonders that surround you. Because every tree, every rock, every anthill, every star is filled with the wonders of nature.' He used to say to me, 'Did you ever notice how grateful you are to see daylight after coming through a long, dark tunnel? Well,' he'd say, 'Always try to see life around you as if you just came out of a tunnel.' "

Jefferson Smith (Jimmy Stewart) in "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington"

In 16 days....

D-Man and I are going to San Francisco to see Mer sing!

Flight - check
hotel - check
opera tickets - check
Beach Blanket Babylon tickets - check

I am BEYOND excited!

Home Improvements made easy!

THIS is my new favorite website!

Elvis is IN the building!

LOOK at what I just ordered!

A Woman's Career

"Funny business, a woman's career. The things you drop on your way up the ladder so you can move faster, you forget you'll need them again when you get back to being a woman. That's one career all females have in common whether we like it or not - being a woman. Sooner or later, we've got to work at it, no matter how many other careers we've had or wanted. And in the last analysis, nothing's any good unless you can look up just before dinner or turn around in bed and there he is. Without that, you're not a woman. You're something with a French provincial office or a...a book full of clippings. But you're not a woman.

Slow Curtain. The End."

- Bette Davis in "All About Eve."

Green beer and Shamrocks

Here are some of the songs we came up with while brainstorming for our St. Patrick's Day pageant.

O'Malley, the Red-nosed leprechan, drank a lot of Guinness Beer......

Jolly old St. Pat-er-ick, lean your beer this way......

(D's favorite) On the first day of St. Patrick's Day, my true love gave to me.....a shamrock.
On the second day of St. Patrick's Day, my true love gave to me....nothing cuz there's only one day. And a shamrock.
(He extrapolated this out to about the 8th day as such: nothing, cuz there's one day; nothing cuz there's one day; nothing cuz there's one day....well, you get the picture!)

It was late. We were tired. AND sugared up. I think it was Judge J who said "It'll be a short pageant. In height, not length."

Christmas in July

Sorry I've been out. I DID skip the convention in Orlando since D-Man was in Miami, buying up all the old Pageant costumes, music and props that our former religious instituition decided to sell for a dime. We spent all day Friday boxing it up, but he could only fit about half of it on the truck he had. Now he has to come back this weekend and get the rest. I'm heading up there the week after to get ready for our trip to Orlando to see Mer (YEA!) so I can stuff the last bit in my car if necessary.

Of course, I told him this would not have been so much work if he had developed a St. Patrick's Day show rather than a Christmas one. Details on THAT late night giggle-fest to follow.

Tadpoles and Termites

I made it home around 8 PM last night. I was SO tired when I got to Portland that I upgraded to First Class for the flight to Chicago. Got a REALLY nice Denver omelette and a 4 hour nap. I felt MUCH better, but could tell I was still out of it on the flight home to Miami. The sudoku, the crossword and the Mensa puzzles were giving me fits and usually, I kick their little puzzle patooties. I gave up and slept some more.

I arrived to find a dark pool with little tadpoles and termite dust on the kitchen floor. The pool is well on its way to recovery and I'll call to have the house tented sometime next week. The cat finally came home around 10 PM, but was not interested in coming in the house or even saying more than "Oh. It's you. Welcome back. Or whatever" before venturing back out into the night.

I decided NOT to venture to the summer band geek convention. D-Man is actually in Miami for the weekend, so my plan of skipping out on the convention would not have worked. Instead, I'm going to help him down here. He's buying old pageant costumes, props and music from our ex-church.

Today started after a full 12 hours of sleep (YES) and getting the pool on the way to recovery. Then off to school to drop some things off and see how full my mailbox is. It looks like my room is completely cleaned and the carpet shampooed so I can start putting things back together next week. I'm actually ready to get back to work. SCARY!

I need SLEEP!

It's 7 AM. I've been up for 4 hours already, and flew from Medford to Portland. It's 45 minutes until my flight to Chicago boards. I can barely keep my eyes open. This is NOT going to be a good day.

Time to go home

BDSAC is officially over. I'm flying back home in a few hours. I have to pack but I'm EXHAUSTED. Once I land, I have one night in my own bed, then I'm off to Orlando for the state summer band geek convention. I may skip it. We'll see how I feel when the time comes.

Happy Birthday, Bing Blog

It was one year ago today that the Bing Blog made its debut as a C Session Boredom Reducing project. I am currently working on the next installment - The ABC Grand Staff Blog, for the "grandest ABC staff on earth." (Uhh, and the ONLY ABC staff, but that's not important right now.)

I'm doing it again....

I just registered for the ING Half Marathon again. That'll be great motivation for me to kick my own butt and get in better shape for the New Year's Eve Karoake Bash by the pool.

In a fit of insanity, I considered running the Disney Half as well. Too bad registration is already closed for that one. It would have been fun. The Disney FULL is open, but I really don't think I could get through that one properly while planning the ABA convention as well. The ING Half will be stress relief, not stress inducing.

Breakfast Update

The Librarian, The Maestra and I ended up not going to Morning Glory for breakfast today, as it was packed. We went to The Breadboard instead. I had pumpkin walnut pancakes with marionberry jam.

OOOOO LAAAA LAAA!

An exchange with the Big Dog

The Big Dog Boss sent me an e-mail. He's on the coast sleeping 12-14 hours a day while I hold down the pound for the last week. He said that if I needed to get in touch with him, call his wife. He forgot his phone at home. This was the exchange:

Me: YOU? Forgot your phone? How could THAT happen?! LOL
Big Dog: That's just a figment of your imagination.
Me: Did you ever find your house keys?
Big Dog: Still in my tux pants from the concert.
Me: All is well in the hen house. Relax and get some sleep!
Big Dog: Buk buk buk...bukack.

Monster Building

We had a late night in the dorms, sitting in the D lounge watching the Live Earth concerts and just chilling. Someone did a 7-11 run around 1 AM and brought me back a cola slushie and some beef jerky. YUMMY! I finally fell in bed around 2:30 AM, so when my alarm went off at 7, I was an unhappy person.

When I got to the building that I needed to unlock for class, the building tried to eat me. I went in the back door, got stuck in the stairwell where my keys didn't work and finally found my way out to daylight again. When I went to the other side of the building, all of the student were there waiting to get in. I finally managed to figure it all out, but I'm still not sure if they bought my story, but I'm sticking with it. I also had a witness.

Today's agenda: Meet The Librarian for breakfast at Morning Glory, then find a couch and take a nap!

Holy Cow! A Lying Dog

A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services ..the United States Marines ...you know one of their nicknames is "The Devil Dogs". In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down. I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."

"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff. He was in the Coast Guard!"

Do Dogs Swing?

I was sitting at dinner when the previous entry text messages came through. I read them aloud to the people at the table, who are taking the jazz band class. The following conversation ensued:

Student A: "Isn't Homie local? Couldn't she come and visit you?"
Me: "Yes, but she's with her dog?"
Student B: "Can't she bring her dog with her? I miss my dog."
Student C: "Can the dog swing?"
Student A: "Only if you hold it by the tail."

Much giggling ensued.

I'm BORED and lonely!

My text message to the Band Camp staff at 4:46 PM today:
HEY! Where is everybody? Come back. I'm BOOOOORED!

The responses:
Stray Dog: Sorry. Currently boating on the Mississippi with family. Wish you were here with us.
Fleur: I'll bet it's like a ghost town there! Are you still on cloud nine? Are you dreaming of blue eyes and pink ties?
The Mayor: See how valuable I am!
Mr. DJ: Hola! I'm back in Colorado. How is Project Punch Part II coming along?
Hometown Honey aka "Homie": I'm with my dog.

Ratatat called. He can't get texts. We talked business.

No response from Techno-Chick, Ozzie and Harriett or Electric Clown.

I'm still bored!

New Blog coming

Coming soon to a computer near year...the ABC Staff blog, where we can ALL keep each other updated and entertained. I just need a good name for it.....any ideas?

This just in....new job possibility

MELBOURNE, Australia — A major condom brand said Friday it expected thousands of applicants for a new unpaid job on offer — condom tester.

Durex said 200 adult Australians — men and women — are wanted to test a range of its condoms.

While the successful applicants will not be paid, each will receive a pack of Durex sex products, a chance to win 1,000 Australian dollars ($857 U.S.), plus professional prestige, the company said in a statement.

"Who wouldn't want to have a chance with an actual authorized professional?" Durex marketing manager Sam White asked.

"Durex is expecting thousands of applicants," the statement said.

Hopefuls must explain in their applications why they would make "expert" condom testers.

How they test the condoms is not specified, but testers must provide honest feedback about how they find the products.

No deadline is set for evaluating a range of four condoms and other sex products.

Riding in cars with boys....

In reference to Fleur's comment under "Toys and Tots:"

Fleur said...
HELLO!!! I frantically woke up this morning, so glad that you put your bing blog on my favorites so that I could find it and see what was UP LAST NIGHT???????????????

My response: NOTHING was up last night except I found out there is A LOT of luggage in that trip, and no truck to haul it. What with my bad travel mojo, I'll wait for the next train.

He had a nice chassis, though!

See you soon!

I got to take Stray Dog to the airport so he could get back to MN. He's moving here in a month to start helping Big Dog boss and Little Dog son take over the band dog pound. Big step for him and for the family, but an exciting one. I'm excited because now we'll be able to get to know the Mrs. He's awesome and he loves her very much, so she's got to be awesome, too! Can't wait 'til next year!

Sing along with Bing!

The BEST karoake song EVER is...

You Don't Have to Call Me Darlin' (David Allan Coe) 13% 1 vote
Bohemian Rhapsody (Queen) 50% 4 votes
Smooth (Santana) 0% 0 votes (Sorry, Dozer!)
Brick House (Commodores) 25% 2 votes
Wing Beneath My Wings (Bette Midler) 13% 1 vote

FYI - The Bing Blog New Year's Eve Karaoke Pool Party is in Miami. Reserve your tickets now!

I'm RICH! (well, soon I will be)

I am SO excited....Look at the e-mail I just got. I didn't even know I HAD a cousin Abbas, and now he's left me Twenty Four million Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars. Do you think my cousin Guido will be mad that Abbas is now my new favorite relative?

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Good Day,
Let me start by introducing myself. I am Mr. Patrick K.W. Chan (Executive Director and Chief Financial Officer) of the Hang Seng Bank Ltd. I have an obscured business suggestion for you.
Before the U.S and Iraqi war our client Gen. Abbas Radhi Ismail who was with the Iraqi forces and also businessman made a numbered fixed deposit for 18 calendar months, with a value of (Twenty Four million Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars only) in my branch. Upon maturity several notices was sent to him, even during the war which began in 2003. Again after the war another notification was sent and still no response came from him. We later find out that the General along with his wife and only daughter had been killed during the war in a bomb blast that hit their home.
After further investigation it was also discovered that Gen. Abbas Radhi Ismail did not declare any next of kin in his official papers including the paper work of his bank deposit. And he also confided in me the last time he was at my office that no one except me knew of his deposit in my bank. So, Twenty Four million Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars is still lying in my bank and no one will ever come forward to claim it. What bothers me most is that according to the laws of my country at the expiration of 5 years the funds will revert to the ownership of the Hong Kong Government if nobody applies to claim the funds.
Against this backdrop, my suggestion to you is that I will like you as a foreigner to stand as the next of kin to Gen. Abbas Radhi Ismail so that you will be able to receive his funds.
MODALITIES:
I want you to know that I have had everything planned out so that we shall come out successful. I have an attorney that will prepare the necessary document that will back you up as the next of kin to Gen. Abbas Radhi Ismail, all that is required from you at this stage is for you to provide me with your Full Names and Address so that the attorney can commence his job. After you have been made the next of kin, the attorney will also fill in for claims on your behalf and secure the necessary approval and letter of probate in your favor for the move of the funds to an account that will be provided by you.
There is no risk involved at all in this matter, as we are going adopt a legalized method and the attorney will prepare all the necessary documents. Please endeavor to observe utmost discretion in all matters concerning this issue.
Once the funds have been transferred to a nominated bank account we shall then share in the ratio of 70% for me, 30% for you. Should you be interested please send me the following:
1. Full names
2. Private phone/fax
3. Current residential address
and I will prefer you reach me on my private email address below and finally after that I shall provide you with more details of this operation.
Your earliest response to this letter will be appreciated.
Kind Regards
Mr. Patrick Chan.
Email:patrickchan9300@yahoo.com.hk

Toys and Tots

Here was a conversation between FL BN Goddess' 4 year old daughter and myself. I had given her my birthday tiara and boa to wear for the parade.

Me: You know, your mommy GAVE me that tiara for my birthday.
Her: When you were little?
Me: No, last week.

You KNOW you rule when a 4 year old wants to play with your stuff!

Kill, marry or drive

The standard question that gets asked after two weeks as BDSAP (Band Director Sleep-Away Camp) is "How do you get to be on staff?" The standard reply has always been, "Kill one of us." At certain times during the two weeks, we can even provide you with a name or two for the hit list. (But we always make up with each other!) But somehow, because Techno-Chick and I are the only two on staff enjoying (mostly) the single life, that comment has changed to "Kill or marry one of us." There even seemed to be some fine gentlemen who thought that proposal over. (Or they might have been studying woodwind pitch tendency; all I know is that there was a confused, glassy look in their eye.) But now, The Electric Clown (who missed the parade today because he didn't have all of the lights ready for the concert) has decided that another method would be to buy a truck. That way, he wouldn't have to drive his and haul equipment all the time. Suddenly, those same gentlemen are looking over their lease agreements and financing options.

Thanks for clearing the board! Maybe I'll have some nice young stud run him over with his Dodge Ram. It'll be a trifecta!

hot dorms and truffles

This year's graduating group (led by the Florida bassoon goddeess) decided it would be a nice gesture to buy the grad staff some treats to say thank you. The Harry and David's dark chocolate truffles were QUITE a nice choice. The only problem is that the dorms are REALLY hot today. I just got back from the post-concert party, and thought I would have a little treat. Melted chocolate poured out all over. Not wanting to waste a drop, I tried licking it off of my arm. The real problem was, I couldn't reach the drips on my leg, and besides, I would rather have someone ELSE lick melted chocolate off of my thigh. Nobody in particular at the moment, but still, a nice thought.

Nekked nap

Today is the 4th of July, and as always, I'm freakin' exhausted. Got very little sleep, then had to be up early (5:30 AM) to start setting up for tonight's concert, then 2+ hour rehearsal in the morning sun, then the parade, then lunch, then get the keg for the post-concert party. It's now 2:45 PM. I just took a shower and I'm settling in for a two hour "nekked nap" in my dorm room. PLEASE DO NOT DISTURB!

Where did it go?

Well, tomorrow's the 4th of July, and we all know what that means: Band Director Sleep-Away Camp is over for another year. It's been a fun one (mostly), we're all exhausted (somewhat) but ready to return to our "real" lives and "real" families (no comment.) Techno-chick (that's EL's new nickname; I hope she likes it!) has the following message posted on her dorm room door next to me: "Only 354 days until Session A, Day 1."

Hopefully, I'll make it that long!

His wife might get mad.

So Tedley says that my previous post wasn't even anonymous and his better half reads my blog and now he's going to get in trouble because I licked his straw. Perhaps a new nickname should be the topic of the next poll. I could use a few suggestions. AND a little sleep. We're getting awfully punchy around here!

PS - Dear Mrs. Tedley, Thanks for the birthday wishes! Wish you were here to have fun with us!

FOR WOMEN ONLY!

If you're a man, don't read this! If you do, don't say I didn't warn you!

My random thought for the day: Why should a woman have to suffer from cramps if she's not even USING those organs? It's really annoying, and SO not fair.

I warned you, gentlemen!

It's July 1!

My birthday gifts today include:
-a pink boa
-a tiara and clip-on earrings meant for a 3 year old
-3 of the 4 Pez in the new Ratatouille set
-1 Disney Princess Pez (Cinderella)
-a nerf dart blow gun
-a puzzle and gum thing that clips to your beltloop
-a box of marionberry tasty goodness
-a Winnie the Pooh and a Tigger, too
-lots of cards, kisses and well-wishes
(and a lead on a cute guy from La Fleur du Sur. We'll call her Fleur for short. She's the best! I have to say that, because she's sitting next to me right now and letting me blog on HER computer. Except I mean it. Really.)

We're going to see the Rat movie tonight and then do Omar's. Just like every year.

Educational Happy Meals

I went to Wendy's for lunch and wanted to order a Happy Meal (or their lame equivalent) because it's my birthday. Then I saw the "toy." It was a read-along book with cd. How LAME! You can't have an educational give-away in a kids meal! We want them to be fat AND stupid! SHEESH!

Swapping Spit

Today at breakfast, Tedley was trapped in the cafeteria booth and I refused to let him out to refill his water glasses. (Because I'm a snot and we tease each other endlessly!) So I told him I would fill them for him. When I got back to the table, he picked one up and JUST as he started to drink, I told him, "I spit in one of those glasses." He looked at me as though he just might believe me, and then I said, "I'm just kidding." Then as he took his first swallow, I hit him with, "I spit in BOTH of them."

Then at lunch, he left the lid to his soda cup on the table while he went for a refill. I was cleaning up the table when he got back and he yelled, "Don't touch my straw!" So I licked it and stuck it in his drink!

I love you, Tedley!

The Rooster has left the hen house.

So we had this big surprise concert the other day for the founder of our program. We had to plan the whole thing behind his back, so we came up with the code word "Rooster" for it, because we were premiering a new piece of band music dedicated to Max that was written by a world-renowned composer by a VERY similar name. If we were discussing anything and he walked into the room, one of us would quietly crow and everyone would divert. "When is the Rooster rehearsal?" "Do you have the Rooster badges?" "Donde esta la musica del 'Rooster'?"

Our cover was ALMOST blown when he unexpectedly went to town to go to dinner. (He usually NEVER leaves the house during the program.) He ran into one of our guest performers from Michigan. She teaches for us quite often and for her to be in town and not call him was very suspicious. I was talking a day off in no. California and got her call. So I was trying to tell her to lie to him and say that she WAS planning to surprise him on July 3 (our big graduation ceremony) but that he caught her. But his son said that no, he bought her story that they were just passing through and didn't want to do any "band stuff" this trip.

The look on his face when he walked into the hall and saw the band on stage says that he bought it. BIG time!

Poll change

Which of the annual "Sofa Bed Tour" locations would YOU rather visit?

Orlando, Florida (and the magical mouse house) 7% 1 vote
Wayne, Maine (home of Tubby's ice cream) 21% 3 votes
St. Louis, Missouri (sliding down the arch) 14% 2 votes
Chicago, Illinois (and Lou Malnati's pizza) 14% 2 votes
Ashland, Oregon (Omar's, anyone?) 36% 5 votes
San Francisco, California (Beach Blank Babylon and the Pez Museum) 7% 1 vote

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There was an awful lot of action this time around. Perhaps it's because this "Poll o' the Week" lasted about 4 weeks.